Bend and Not Break
by docrock06
Summary: Sequel to 'Doctor Rock' What if Ray wasn’t really as fine as he is letting on? Will his friends be able to help him in time? REELA
1. The First Night

**Title: Bend and Not Break**

**Author: DockRock06**

**Rating: M**

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Spoilers: Season 12's 'If not now'**

**Content Warning: Adult themes i.e. Rape, but not graphic, it is just mentioned as you will probably have guessed….I mean did you not read the last story?**

**Summery: What if Ray wasn't really as fine as he is letting on? Will his friends be able to help him in time?**

**A/N This is the sequel to 'Doctor Rock', and I suggest that if you are going to read this story, then it is **_**vital **_**that you read that one as this story takes place right after the last chapter….as in about 30 minutes after! Well on with the story**

**This first chapter is going to be short as it is only really setting the scene…but the others will all be much longer!**

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE: THE FIRST NIGHT**

Ray, Neela and Brett all trudged up the stairs to their apartment, the former two feeling drained from there hectic day, and Brett from his long night before…he really should give up drinking.

Turning the key in the lock Ray pushed the front door open and flicked on the light. Walking over to the couch Ray and Neela flopped down, Rays arm wrapped around Neela's shoulders and both watched as Brett's eyes scanned the apartment.

'Well, it isn't as shabby as when I left, but I mean what the hell did you do to that door?' Brett let out a chuckle, not knowing that the reason behind the marks on the bathroom door was not a laughing matter, and if he had of known he would have been ballistic, Ray was like a brother to Brett and he wouldn't let anyone push his family around.

Ray felt his breath catch in his throat, what was he supposed to say? 'Oh my father came around the other day and decided to ruin my life…again' No, he didn't think that it would go down very well. Before Ray even had a chance to come up with some form of an excuse Neela said,

'Oh, that was when we were moving furniture…didn't see what we were doing' Neela hoped that Brett would accept the lie, and in case he started to pry Neela quickly changed the subject.

'So Brett, I guessing that you're probably tired from your flight. Me and Ray will just head off to bed and let you get some rest.'

Ray didn't know where he was sleeping tonight, the last few nights him and Neela had been alternating, sleeping where ever it was they were when they fell asleep from exhaustion. And now he didn't know where he was supposed to go. He knew that he and Neela where now a couple, even thought neither of them had actually said it, it had been implied with there actions towards each other. He also knew that neither of them were ready for a physical relationship after what had happened, and that made him confused.

Standing up Ray gave Brett a quick hug and began to make his way to his room before he was stopped by a hand around his wrist, and he turned to look at Neela who was smiling at him. Neela moved her hand from around Ray's wrist and interlocked her fingers with his and began to pull him towards her room.

'Goodnight Brett' Neela couldn't help but laugh when she saw Brett cover his eyes and pretend to gag…he was so childish sometimes.

'You know if you don't want the couch, you can have my room' Ray offered to his friend, not wanting him to have to sleep on the uncomfortable couch if there was a soft bed with no one in it.

'Ah, thanks man, but you do remember that I lived with you before. I have seen the mess you make' Brett chucked himself down on the couch and kicked off his shoes.

Ray rolled his eyes before he followed Neela into the room and shut the door behind him. Eventually letting go of his hand Neela walked across the room and threw herself on the bed, and kicked her shoes off before she lay down, patting the space beside her as if she was calling over a little puppy…and that puppy was called Ray.

Ray kicked off his shoes and made his way over to the bed, lying down beside Neela, with his head resting on her chest and she ran her hands through his hair, making him feel sleepy.

Neela wanted to talk to Ray about what had happened that day, but when she felt his breathing steady and became more light, she knew that he had fallen asleep, most likely exhausted from all of the events of the past couple of weeks.

Pulling the blanket up over both her and Ray as much as she could, Neela too closed her eyes and thought about how lucky she was to have Ray, and she was glad that he had let her in and let her help him.

* * *

_Ray was walking through the halls of county general. He stopped in front of the admit and watched around him as everyone appeared to be moving in slow motion. Turning around Ray saw James Barnett standing in front of him, alive!_

_Ray tried to run but he felt as if he was standing in quick sand, unable to move. And as he felt his fathers hand grab at the back of his neck, pulling his face close to his as he whispered, 'You are going to be sorry…and this time no one will help you'_

_Ray opened his mouth to scream, but all he felt was his breath pass by his lips and he wondered why no one was helping. He turned his head and looked at Abby, Luka, Neela and Kerry as they all stood watching as his father pulled him by his arm down the hall. _

'_We cant help you Ray, sorry' Ray felt tears well up at his eyes at the words which he heard Neela say, and at the fact that the others had nodded in agreement before turning and walking off, leaving him on his own._

* * *

Ray shot up in bed, covered in sweat and tears, and he felt his chest panting as his heart thundered in his chest,

'Ray what happened?'

* * *

**Well there you go; the start and I leave you with a sort of cliff-hanger. Now I hope you all feel sorry for Ray. I know that this chapter was short, but as I have said, all of the others will be much longer!**


	2. I'm Fine?

**Title: Bend and Not Break**

**Author: DockRock06**

**Rating: M**

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Spoilers: Season 12's 'If not now'**

**Content Warning: Adult themes i.e. Rape, but not graphic, it is just mentioned as you will probably have guessed….I mean did you not read the last story?**

**Summery: What if Ray wasn't really as fine as he is letting on? Will his friends be able to help him in time?**

**Sorry for not updating in ages, but I had tests to do and also no internet along with writers block! So without anymore hesitation here it is, chapter two:**

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO: I'M FINE?**

_I am fairly agile; I can bend and not break_

_Or I can break and take it with a smile_

_I am so resilient, I recover quickly,_

_I'll convince you soon that I am fine_

'_**Bend and Not Break' Dashboard Confessional**_

'_Ray what happened?'_

Neela sat up behind Ray and placed her hand on his shoulder, feeling him tense up under her hand. She knew that things were going to be hard over the next few weeks and that Ray would be jumpy around her, but what happened next shocked her. Ray pulled away from her hand and rushed over to the door, mumbling something that Neela couldn't quite hear.

When Ray opened the door to the bedroom he quickly walked to the bathroom, careful not to wake Brett and locked the door. Neela had replaced the broken one a few days ago and at the moment Ray was grateful because he just wanted to be alone and try to figure out why he was having nightmares like that. _Did he really think that his friends wouldn't help him?_

After getting over her initial shock of Ray literally running away from her Neela got off the bed, grabbing a blanket to wrap around herself as she noticed that it was rather cold, even for a Chicago winter night. Walking into the living room she could see that Brett was sound asleep and also that the light on the bathroom was on, and so she now knew were Ray had gone. Walking quietly over to the door Neela lightly rapped the door, praying and hoping that Ray would let her in; she didn't want him to have to go through this alone.

After standing outside the door for a little less than five minutes Neela heard the click of the lock turning in the door and slowly pushed the door open. Edging her way around the door she looked down at Ray and felt her heart clench at the sight of his sad eyes, red from whatever it was that had upset him, as he sat on the cold bathroom floor tiles with his knees pulled up and his arms wrapped around his shins. Forgetting about his earlier reaction to her Neela bent down ad wrapped her arms and the blanket around Ray, and noticed how cold he was.

After positioning herself better on the floor, her back against the wall and Rays head resting on her chest with her arm wrapped around his shoulders Neela said in a low voice, making sure that Brett couldn't hear,

'Is this about your father?' Neela knew that it most likely was, but she didn't want to assume anything, if it wasn't then she was afraid that she would make him just start thinking about things all over again.

Neela felt Ray nod his head and she squeezed his shoulder in a comforting way before she ran her fingers lightly through his hair.

'It's stupid…I don't know why I did that…I'm sorry' Ray said to Neela in such a quiet voice that unless she had been waiting for him to respond in some way, she was sure that she wouldn't have heard him.

'What do you mean you're sorry because it's stupid, what your father did'

'Don't!' Neela was cut off by Ray and she watched as he squeezed his eyes shut, obviously fighting back another wave of emotion, and she watched as the muscle in his jaw tensed.

'Ray I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you but you have to talk about it sometime, keeping it all bottled up isn't going to help'

Neela watched as a tear slid unchecked down Rays cheeked and pulled him into her embrace as he buried his face in her shoulder. They sat like that for the next ten minutes, Ray holding onto Neela as if she was his lifeline and Neela holding onto Ray as the sobs wracked his body.

Quietly Ray said into Neela's shoulder, just loud enough for her to hear,

'Please don't leave'

'Why would I leave Ray, you know that I love you and I'm going to help you through this, we all are. Me, Abby, Luka and Kerry. Why did you think that we wouldn't?'

Ray pulled back from Neela's embrace enough so that he could look her in the eye, but was close enough that Neela still had her arms wrapped around him.

'This is gonna sound really dumb…but I had this dream and my Dad came back and you told me that you couldn't help me anymore and you all just stood there…and I guess I thought that you might feel that way'

Neela watched as Ray looked down and she couldn't stop the pang of worry that settled in her stomach. _Why does Ray think that someone will try and hurt him again? _

Leaning over and placing a soft kiss on Rays lips, Neela caressed his cheek with her hand as she said,

'He can't hurt you anymore Ray, he's gone now. And you have all of your friends here to help you; we wouldn't let anything happen to you'

Giving Neela a small smile Ray said to her in what he thought was his most convincing voice,

'Yeah…it was just a bad dream and I overreacted'

Pushing herself off the floor Neela reached her hand down to Ray and helped to pull him off the floor, and taking his hand in hers she quietly walked back to the bedroom so that they could both get the much deserved sleep that they needed.

Lying down on the bed Neela pulled Ray over to her so that his head was back in its original position before he had woke up on her chest, only this time Neela wrapped her arms around Ray and pulled the blanket up around them both.

* * *

The next morning Neela woke up and looked at her clock to see that her clock was flashing 10:30, and gently slipping from under Ray, Neela made her way into the living room to find that Brett was awake, which surprised her because every other time that he had stayed in the apartment he hadn't got up until after lunch.

'Good morning Brett' Neela said as she made her way past the couch and into the kitchen to begin to make breakfast, neither her or Ray had eaten yesterday and she was famished.

'Mornin' Doctor Neela' Brett got up off the couch and made his way into the small kitchen where he leaned against the counter with his arms crossed.

'So did you sleep well last night, I know that the couch isn't that comfortable…' Neela said as she busied herself making tea and toast for herself, Ray and Brett.

'Yeah doctor Neela, but not so sure about you two…I seen Ray get up last night and I _also _seen the fact that he wouldn't open the door…what's up because he's my friend too and I've known him since we were kids so I wish someone would tell me what the hell is wrong with him'

Neela didn't know what to say, she had never heard Brett talk about anyone he cared about like that before, and she knew that he thought of Ray as a brother…but she still couldn't betray Rays trust by telling him things that she shouldn't and didn't have the right to.

'What, it was nothing he just had a long day and was more than a bit stressed. You understand.' Neela kept her back to Brett the whole time, making sure that he couldn't see her face incase it gave away her lie.

'Well I just hope that he's alright…need someone to go drinking with' Brett added with a laugh to try and lighten the mood, but the truth was he was concerned for his friend. Although he had only been back less than a day and hadn't really talked to Ray other than the idle small talk on the EL on the way back to the apartment, Brett knew that something was defiantly up and he was going to find out what it was.

Ray was like a brother to Brett, and Brett to Ray, so Brett wanted to make sure that he could help his 'brother' in any way which he could, even if that just meant listening to him when he was on a drunken rant.

'Hey, I was thinking if you don't mind can me and Ray go out tonight, you know to catch up like old times?' Brett gave Neela his best innocent face and hoped that she would comply, he knew that this was a great way to get Ray to open up, Brett recalled many drunken nights when both of them had spilled secrets to each other after one too many glasses of Jack Daniels and he was planning on at least trying to get Ray to do the same tonight.

'Well, he got out of hospital a little early and is still on pain medication so I don't know if a night of drinking, which I know is what you mean when you say 'catching up' is, is the best thing right now. But maybe before you go'

Brett nodded and sat down at the table, he was going to have to think of another way of getting Ray to talk to him, but for now all he wanted to think about was the rumbling in his stomach.

* * *

After setting a plate down in front of Brett Neela walked over to the bedroom door and quietly pushed it open. Allowing her eyes to adjust to the dim lights in the room Neela walked over and sat on the bed beside Ray, and gently placed her hand on his arm. After only a few non verbal mumbles Ray pulled the blanket tighter around him, obviously not wanting to wake up yet.

Not wanting to wake up her boyfriend when he obviously didn't want to and also hadn't slept that well the night before Neela ran her hand through Ray's hair before she got off the bed and left the room quietly shutting the door behind her.

As Neela made her way to the kitchen to join Brett and also have her own breakfast one thought ran through her head,

_I am going to help him through this._

* * *

**Well there it is chapter two of, 'Bend and Not Break'. I hope that you all liked it and please review! **


	3. Straighjacket Feeling

**Title: Bend and Not Break**

**Author: DockRock06**

**Rating: M**

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Spoilers: Season 12's 'If not now'**

**Content Warning: Adult themes i.e. Rape, but not graphic, it is just mentioned as you will probably have guessed….I mean did you not read the last story?**

**Summery: What if Ray wasn't really as fine as he is letting on? Will his friends be able to help him in time?**

**Sorry for not updating in ages, but I had a little thing called writers block and we all know that it is hell….all I wanted to do was write my story!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 3: Straightjacket Feeling**

_Try this on straightjacket feeling_

_So maybe I won't be alone_

_Take back now my life you're stealing_

_Yesterday was over today_

'_**Straightjacket Feeling' All American Rejects**_

After finishing off her breakfast Neela looked and her watch and noticed that it was just after eleven and thought that maybe now was the time to wake Ray so that the whole day wouldn't be wasted. When they were eating breakfast Brett had mentioned that he wasn't able to stay for much longer than two weeks and so he was hoping that he and Ray could go and hang out just like the 'good ole days'.

Putting her plate in the sink Neela poured out a cup of coffee and began to make her way towards her room. Pushing the door open Neela walked over beside the bed and began to blow on the steam rising from the coffee, causing the scent to drift towards Ray and she couldn't help but laugh as she watched him slowly open his eyes as he sleepily said,

'Coffee?'

Neela just simply nodded and watched as Ray sat up in bed and ran a hand through his brown hair as he looked at her with his bright green eyes. Swinging his legs over the end of the bed Ray stood up and picked up the cup of coffee, smiling at Neela as he made his way into the living room.

'So you finally decided to get up? Here I was getting worried that I was gonna be here for two weeks and just get to look at your lazy ass lying in bed.' Brett chided Ray and he walked over and sat beside him on the sofa, pushing him in the arm.

'I think that I should be the one worried if I woke up and you _were _watching me in bed' Ray said with a smirk as he took a sip of his coffee, feeling the rush of the caffeine flow through his veins.

'Well I'll just leave you two boys alone while I go get showered then' said Neela, stopping to give Ray a kiss on the check before making her way into the bathroom, all of her towels and clean clothes bundled in her arms.

'God, you call each other 'sweetie' and 'sugar pie' don't you?' Asked Brett, a look of mock disgust covering his face.

Ray just rolled his eyes, a small smile on his face as he thought about him and Neela, and how they were finally together after so long. The smile quickly faded however whenever he remembered the events that had led up to them becoming as close as they are now.

Brett noticed the change in Rays face and said,

'What's the matter?' Asked a concerned Brett, hoping that Ray would just tell him.

'What…nothing I just remembered that I forgot to do something' lied Ray, not really wanting to get into anything with Brett at that moment. Well, he didn't really know if he wanted to tell Brett at all. Even though they were close, he just didn't think he could talk about it. No matter how many people were going to tell him that talking helped, he knew that it wasn't going to change his mind, he just needed to deal with this in his own way.

Brett didn't believe Ray for one second, but he wasn't going to start on Ray now, he would try and coax whatever this _thing _was out of him later. For now he just wanted to spend some time hanging out with Ray like they used to.

'Playstation?' and with that one word, Ray pulled his famous lop-sided smile as he turned to Brett and said, in a faux posh voice,

'Of course'

* * *

Twenty minutes later Neela walked out of the bathroom, wearing a pair of jeans and a cream jumper, her hair down and still slightly damp. She couldn't help the smile that spread over her face as she watched Brett and Ray on the sofa, pushing each other so as they could try and beat the other one at whatever game it was they were playing.

She was glad that Brett had came, because she hadn't seen Ray laughing like that in a few weeks, and she just hoped that maybe things were beginning to look up.

Walking over behind Ray, Neela put her hand lightly on his shoulder as she said,

'Showers empty, so you can go in when you're finished'

Ray opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off by Brett,

'Sure thing Doctor Neela'

And Neela couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes; Brett could be so stupid some times.

'I was talking to Ray, _Brett_' Neela said, sounding like she was talking to a child, and sometimes if she was honest, she felt like she was.

'You want me and Barnett scrubbing up together. I mean boyfriends a good looking guy but I don't bat for that team' Brett laughed as he saw the look of disgust that crossed both Ray and Neelas faces.

'I think I'll go now, no telling what Brett will do if you leave me alone with him now' Ray joked as he threw done the control and made his way into the bedroom to grab some clean clothes before making his way into the bathroom.

As Ray stepped inside, he flipped the lock on the door and made his way over to the sink. He ran his hand over his face, noticing the five O' clock shadow that had begun to grow, and turned on the tap of the sink, filling it with warm water and squirted the shaving cream into his hands and then onto his face.

After shaving, Ray turned to the shower and turned the water on full blast. Stripping out of his clothes Ray stepped in and felt the hot water pounding over him, and he just stood there and let it, feeling as if he couldn't do much else.

The past few weeks had been rough, well rough wasn't really the ideal word to describe what Ray had been through. Maybe hell was more fitting. And even though the night before Neela had promised Ray that she and the others would stand by his side, and help him, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was alone in all of this, that no one could possibly understand what he had been through and how he was feeling.

After rinsing off Ray stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around his waist, and as he did so the now healing cut on his hip caught his eye. He had done it to try and rid himself of some of the stress, to try and grant himself some sort of semblance of control in his own life. But now that Neela knew that he had done it, he knew that he would have to try and find some other way to try and get that feeling back.

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Ray noticed that through his skin, his ribs were a lot more visible than they had been before this incident had started out. The truth was he couldn't eat, it wasn't that he didn't want to, that he was trying to hurt himself, but all day images kept rerunning in his head, making him feel disgusting and sick. Sighing Ray began to dry himself and no later than ten minutes had passed and he was pulling on the pair of jeans that he had brought in. Grabbing the t-shirt Ray pulled that over his head too, noticing that his ribs still had a faint ache whenever he strained them, or moved a certain way.

* * *

Opening the door, Ray was shocked to see that both Brett and Neela were sitting on the sofa, together, and they were actually _talking_. Not just bickering like they usually did. Walking up behind Neela as quietly as he could, Ray put his hand over Neelas eyes, feeling her jump, as she had apparently not heard him approaching.

'Scared ya' Ray laughed, as he slid onto the sofa beside Neela, his arm wrapped around her shoulders.

'Yeah, didn't ever know you to be quiet Barnett' joked Brett, who earned a fake shocked expression from Ray.

'So what's on the agenda today then kiddies…a day at the park, zoo? Questioned Brett, hoping that they could all get out of the apartment and do something fun together.

Neela turned her face to look at Ray, silently asking him if he wanted to go out, and her answer was in the form of Ray giving her shoulder a light squeeze and a small smile, the one that made her heart skip a beat.

'Well, I don't know about you boys, but I think that there's some sort of fair on at the Navy Pier. Maybe we could check it out?' suggested Neela as she lifted her hand to hold Rays,

'Sure, sounds good to me, Brett?'

'Whatever, just as long as you two _lovebirds _don't leave me alone somewhere so you can go make out' replied Brett, causing both Neela and Ray to laugh.

Standing up, and pulling Neela to his side at the same time, Ray said,

'Well, what are we waiting for?'

With that all three friends grabbed there coats, hats and gloves, preparing for whatever weather Chicago was going to throw at them and headed out the door.

* * *

As they arrived at Navy Pier, all three looked around, not knowing where to start. There were lots of rides and attractions to go to, and Neela couldn't help the butterflies in her stomach at the thought of spending the day with Ray. She knew that she couldn't really considering the outing as a date with Brett being there, but it was the first time that her and Ray had been anywhere as boyfriend and girlfriend, se couldn't help but feel a little excited. Neela was brought back to reality when she felt Ray wrap his arms around her waist from behind, and his chin resting on her shoulder.

'So where to first?' Ray asked before kissing Neela lightly on the cheek, which made Neela give a slight blush. She never was one for public displays of affection, but with Ray she was sure that she could get used to it.

'I don't really know how about we just walk about and see what there is?' Neela said before she turned and placed a kiss on Ray's lips, and took his hand in her own.

'Somewhere near a bin if you two are going to keep this up.' Brett said as he put a hand over his mouth, pretending to be sick.

That comment earned him a punch in the arm from Ray as he walked past him, still holding Neela's hand,

'If you don't' shut up you're going to end up _in _a bin' threatened Ray, as he then grabbed Brett by the collar and pushed him in front of him and Neela.

After going on the dodgems, the Big Wheel and a few of the games on the stalls, all of which involved throwing something, Ray, Brett and Neela where all making there way towards the exit.

'I can't believe you won this for me' said Neela as she hugged the teddy monkey to her, and give Ray a kiss on the check.

'Is that an, 'Oh my god you're so wonderful and I can't believe you won this for me' or is it an ' I didn't think you were actually smart enough to hit something with that amount of accuracy and win this' comment' Ray said with a raised eyebrow.

'The first one' laughed Neela, 'so who wants something to eat?'

Brett immediately put his hand up, causing Neela to laugh.

'Sure whatever, so where do you want to go?' Asked Ray

Neela thought about it for a moment before answering,

'Well, maybe we should just get pizza on the way home; I don't really think this big monkey would be allowed into a restaurant' Neela said as she gave the monkey a slight shake to emphasize her point.

'Neela, that's no way to talk about Brett' Ray joked as he dodged a slap on the back of the head from Brett.

* * *

Walking through the door, Ray set the pizza on the table and pulled three beers out of the fridge, walking over to the couch where Brett had lifted the pizza to, and sat down.

Neela sat down beside Ray and kicked off her shoes, the two men then following suit. The three ate while making small talk about the day. After finishing a slice of pizza Ray drank his beer.

Ray let Brett and Neela's voices fade away as he thought about the day that he had just spent with Neela. He had loved every second of it, getting to walk around and hold her hand, not having to just wish that he was allowed to kiss her. Ray knew that if he didn't have Neela then he would never be able to make it through.

After finish their pizza Neela turned and looked at Ray who seemed to be in a daze, and she lightly touched the back of his hand, drawing him out of it.

'Hey, you ready for bed?' Asked Neela as she tired to suppress a yawn, but to no avail.

'Yeah, and I can tell you are' Ray joked as he stood up and said goodnight to Brett.

Walking into their room, _their room_, Neela thought with a smile on her face, Neela walked over and grabbed her pajamas from her dresser, and she couldn't help but watch as Ray stripped down to his boxers and socks, something which Neela thought was cute, a little quirk of Rays, and he slid under the covers, sleepily telling Neela not to be too long or else he just might go to sleep without her.

Coming back from the bathroom after getting changed Neela walked into the bedroom, and over to the bed, hoping that Ray was still awake. As she looked at him with his eyes closed she couldn't help the fact that she was a little disappointed that they couldn't even cuddle for a while before they went to sleep.

Slipping under the covers as well, Neela reached to turn of the lamp when she heard Ray say,

'I thought I said quickly' and she turned and looked at him, his eyes still shut but a goofy grin on his face.

Opening his eyes, Ray pulled Neela to him, his arm wrapped around her waist as he spooned up behind her. With his chin resting on her shoulder, Ray said in a soft voice,

'You know that I love you'

Neela felt her heart skip a beat at Rays admission of love, and she turned to face him, cupping his face in her hands as she said,

'I love you too'

* * *

**Well there you have it Chapter 3! I'm sorry for the long delay but I hope that this chapter isn't a disappointment. Please review and let me know what you think!**


	4. Falling Apart

**Title: Bend and Not Break**

**Author: DockRock06**

**Rating: M**

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Spoilers: Season 12's 'If not now'**

**Content Warning: Adult themes i.e. Rape.**

**Summery: What if Ray wasn't really as fine as he is letting on? Will his friends be able to help him in time?**

**A/N I just want to say Thank You to all of the people who have read this story, even if you didn't review, the fact that you are reading is GREAT!**

**Also, I was wondering if people like the new thing I have going with this story, the lyrics at the top of the chapter to represent what is going to happen. Tell me what you think!**

* * *

**CHAPTER 4: Falling Apart**

_Twenty years it's breaking you down,_

_Now that you understand,_

_There's no one around_

_Just take a breath, take a seat,_

_You're falling apart and tearing at the seams._

_The Fray – Heaven Forbid_

It was Brett's last night in Chicago before he had to go back to California and be with the rest of the band, so he and Ray where out in one of the bars that they used to go to together. Brett still hadn't managed to get Ray to open up to him, and he wasn't going to leave until he did, even if that meant losing a few of the gigs that the band had phoned over the past week to say they had booked for when he got back. He just wanted to make sure that his friend was alright, that was more important to him than a few good nights out and some…'fun' with a random groupie whose name he wouldn't know and whose face he would most likely never see again. Not many people knew, or even thought, but Brett was a sentimental guy at heart and he would always look out for friends and family first. And he considered Ray to be both.

Ordering their drinks, Ray and Brett took a seat in a booth in the back, close enough to the stage so they had a good view, but secluded enough so they could talk without having to yell at the top of their lungs.

'So, back to California tomorrow' Ray said before taking the first drink of his beer.

'Yep…back to the ladies, beer and lots of fun' Brett laughed as he too took a drink from his beer, enjoying the chatter like old times.

Reclining into his seat, Brett studied Ray's face, trying to see if he was going to give anything away with the next statement Brett was going to make, knowing that Ray's eyes usually betrayed his mouth when he was trying to act as if he were fine.

'So are you going to tell me what's been up with you since I got back, or do I have to drag it out of you' Brett said bluntly, fed up of skirting around the subject. He had dropped subtle hints over the past two weeks and now that he was leaving he was fed up with it, he was just going to say what was on his mind like he usually did.

Feeling the heat rise up the back of his neck, and his chest tightening, Ray pulled in a deep breath and took a large swig of his beer before replying,

'I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm fine' Ray hoped that his answer would make Brett drop the subject; he didn't really want to get into anything right now, especially not in a public place.

However Brett wasn't one to back down, he noticed the shutters come down over Ray's eyes, something he always did when he didn't want to talk about something that was bothering him.

'Yeah, that's why every night I've been here you've got up in the middle of the night' Brett said in a matter-of-fact tone, noting the shocked look on Ray's face, who had obviously thought that Brett had been asleep.

'So I get up, big deal!' Ray said; a little agitated. It's not that he didn't trust Brett not to tell anyone what had happened, because Brett knew a lot about his past that other people didn't, some things which Neela didn't even know yet. He was agitated because he didn't think he could go over what had happened again, he was afraid that if he tried he would break and wouldn't be able to be fixed.

'It is a big deal whenever you lock yourself in the bathroom and won't let your own girlfriend near you!' Brett hissed, hoping to get through to Ray that whatever he was keeping bottled up wasn't healthy. _He was a doctor for Christ's sake, didn't he see what that did to people!_

Ray lowered his eyes to the table, picking at the label on his beer nervously. He didn't know that Brett had known what had gone on at night since it had happened. He always assumed that Brett was asleep since he never mentioned anything before.

'I already told you, its fine…I'm fine' Ray said in a quiet voice, the reality of the situation finally starting to sink into him. _I am really as fine as I think I am?_

Brett opened his mouth to speak again, to reprimand Ray again for saying that he was fine, when he suddenly remembered something. _Back in that club in L.A. He was just like this…when his father was there!_

'This is about you're dad isn't it' Brett stated, finally realizing why Ray had been so keen on coming back to Chicago. Brett remembered when he and Ray had been kids, Ray had always had black eyes and broken bones from 'falling down the stairs' or some other lame excuse which his father had created to try and keep his citizen status as a working class family man. But Brett knew that he was far from it. He had gone to Rays one day after school, and Ray could hardly speak, a fractured jaw courtesy of his father's foot when he had done his homework wrong. That was when Ray had actually _admitted_ to him that it was his father that beat him and his mother, and from then on they had been best friends, always looking out for each other, an unspoken promise they had made to each other, and Brett was destined that he was going to keep that promise.

When Ray heard the question he was tempted to just repeat his earlier answer, but he was tired of lying, and tired of having to pretend that he was fine when he wasn't. He just wanted all of the nightmares and the pain to go away, and he desperately hoped that talking would help. _Maybe Kerry was right, maybe I can't do this on my own?_

Nodding his head slowly, Ray said quietly, 'Yeah', and looked up in time to see Brett mimic his action, a sorrowful expression painted on his face.

'Do you want to talk about it?' Brett asked, glad that Ray seemed to be taking a step in the right direction, actually admitting that something was wrong.

Taking a large gulp of his beer, Ray stood from his seat and said,

'Yeah, but not here. Neela's in work until one so we can go back to the apartment. There's beer there' Ray said the last part with a smile, trying to push down the sick feeling in his stomach.

Standing up Brett finished his beer and followed Ray out, both walking the short distance back to the apartment in silence. Brett not knowing what to say, and Ray still trying to push down the feeling in the pit of his stomach.

* * *

Pushing the door to the apartment over Ray went to the fridge and pulled out the six-pack of beer as Brett went and sat of the couch, waiting for his friend.

'Thanks' Brett said as Ray handed him a beer and sat on the seat beside him, also taking a beer and opening it, swallowing back a huge mouthful.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence Brett said,

'So are you going to talk to me now…cos back in the bar I think the waitress was giving me the eye'

Ray ran his had through his hair nervously before saying,

'If I tell you this, will you swear not to tell _anybody?' _

Brett felt his heart quicken its pace at the pleading sound to Ray's voice.

'Of course man, you know I wont' And Brett meant it. If Ray wanted anyone to know then he would tell them, Brett knew it wasn't his place to tell Rays secrets, and so he would never even dream of doing it.

Leaning back, Ray took a deep breath before he began,

'Remember back in L.A when my Dad came back and I left…well that wasn't the last time I saw him' Ray stole a quick glance in Brett's direction before continuing

'I'd only been back a few hours and he showed up here. I was scared shitless' Ray paused, swallowing the lump in his throat. He wanted to stop, but he knew that he couldn't. He had started the story and he had to finish it or else he would go insane.

Brett was taken back at Ray admitting that he was scared, he never knew him to ever do that. And that fact made Brett feel uneasy of what was to come.

'What happened' Brett asked, trying to encourage Ray to continue.

Ray retold the story of his father stabbing him, and couldn't look at Brett, his face a picture of sympathy.

'Did he get arrested, because Neela told me that he was in the hospital with a heart attack, but I saw no guards' Brett said confused and puzzled. Surely he would have been charged for attempted murder!

'He wasn't, I didn't tell the police it was him…I wish I had now' and as Ray said the last part Brett saw the single tear that rolled down his cheek as he stared forward, as if he was trapped in the memory, watching it all again.

'Neela had went back to work…and I didn't think that he would…I thought' Ray broke off, squeezing his eyes shut against the onslaught of images which where spiraling through his mind, covering his vision.

Reaching across Brett set his hand across Rays back, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze and said,

'What happened…it can't be that bad' and he was truthfully hoping that it wasn't 'that bad'. But in all honesty he knew that it was because he had never seen Ray cry when he talked about his father, the very few times which they were. He usually talked with a hate in his voice which was only reserved for James Barnett. But now his voice sounded scared and quiet…two characteristics which Brett would never put alongside the name Ray Barnett.

Ray wiped at his face, drying away tears but knowing that he was fighting a losing battle as more were sure to come, before saying in a defeated voice,

'It is…' and taking a deep breath Ray continued, 'I thought that it was Luka at the door because Neela had said he was going to be coming over so I didn't look and I just opened it…he came in and started telling me how I was going to be sorry for what I'd done'

Brett shook his head in disgust, he remembered at Rays mothers funeral James had blamed Ray, and they had started fighting at the house, when they didn't know that Brett could see them. The next day Ray had a lovely purple bruise covering his left eye, obviously his punishment for something he hadn't done.

'He still blames you, that bastard!' Brett half shouted, his temper getting the better of him. But he immediately cooled down when hr saw the look on Rays face. He looked so…broken. His eyes filled with a pool of tears which were threatening to fall over, and sadness reflecting from them as clear as day.

Putting his head in his hands, Ray spoke again, in a voice so quiet that Brett had to lean into him to hear what he was saying,

'I kicked him and ran to the bathroom…but I guess that was the stupidest mistake'

Brett turned his head and looked at the bathroom door, now knowing where the marks had come from, and he felt his heart once again quickening its pace, not liking where he _thought _this was going.

'I tried…but he just' Ray stopped, feeling the lump in his throat growing with each word, suffocating him.

Ray stood from his seat and walked to the kitchen as he said,

'I can't…I'm sorry'

Brett watched as Ray kept his back to him, his hands gripping onto the worktops as if they were the only thing holding him up. Standing he followed Ray and stood beside him, trying to look him in the eye but Ray just turned his head and looked the other way.

Putting his hand on his friends back, Brett felt him tense under his hand, and immediately pulled his hand away.

Keeping his head turned so that Brett couldn't see the tears that had slipped from his eyes and down his face unchecked, Ray said,

'Listen, maybe you should get some sleep, you have an early flight'

Brett felt his anger rise slightly. _How can he try and brush me off like that when I can tell he's not fine? Does he actually think that I'll leave just like that! _

Ray moved to walk to his room when he felt Brett grab his arm and push him into the worktop, his hands gripping his shoulders and blocking his way out of the kitchen.

Ray moved his hands to try and push Brett away, but found that Brett was stronger and wasn't budging any time soon.

'Listen, I know that you want to carry on likes nothing is wrong, but you can't! You have to tell me, maybe I can help you' Brett said, all the while keeping his hold on Ray who had stopped trying to push him off and was standing looking over Brett's shoulder.

'Yeah, well I want to…but I can't' Ray hung his head, feeling the energy drain from his body. What he would give to just go to bed and curl up so small that he would just disappear and not have to deal with anything, just to be fine.

Brett let go of Ray's shoulders, ready to just go to sleep, because if Ray didn't want his help then he wasn't going to fall out and stop talking because he pushed it too far. But as he stepped back to walk out of the kitchen, he was surprised when Ray didn't rush past him, but slide down the worktop and wrapped his arms around his head.

Sitting down beside his friend, Brett said in a quiet voice,

'I'm not going to fight with you Ray, but I will say this. You're like a brother to me and I want to help you, but if you don't want to tell me then that's O.K. We're not going to stop being friends because of that.'

Ray sat listening to every word that Brett was saying, drinking it all in. He had felt the all too familiar lump in his throat when Brett had said he was like a brother to him. Pulling his head up and wrapping his arms around his shins, Ray said in a choked voice as tears ran down his face,

'He started banging on the door…got it opened and then he…' Ray broke off, not wanting to say the words, hoping that Brett wouldn't ask him to actually clarify anything.

Brett sat in a stunned silence. He knew that James was always beating the living daylights out of Ray, but he didn't think that he would ever do something as sick as that. Looking over at Ray, who had put his head on his knees and was sobbing quietly, Brett said,

'I'm sorry man…if I'd known' Brett trailed off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence.

Just as he was about to say something else, Brett heard the sound of the front door opening and looked up to see Neela, her scarf pulled tight around her neck and a hat hugged to her head.

Knowing that Neela and Ray would need some time to talk Brett pushed himself off his place on the floor beside Ray and said a quick 'hello' and 'goodbye' to Neela as he brushed past her and out the door, planning on going back to the bar which he and Ray had been at earlier.

Walking over beside Ray, Neela sat down and pulled him to her, feeling him relax against her as she rocked him back and forth, gently running her had over his back.

'I didn't think it would be this hard' Ray cried into Neela shoulder as she repeated the words, 'Shh' and 'I'm here', over and over again like a mantra.

Laying his head in Neelas lap, Ray felt himself feeling relaxed and sleepy, his lids dropping shut as Neela ran her fingers through his hair.

'I think Kerry was right' Ray said, his eyes still closed.

'Me too' Neela said, hoping that Ray was finally going to get help.

After sitting in the same place for about ten minutes, Ray pushed himself up off the floor, and reached a hand down to Neela, pulling her up and pulling her into a hug.

'What would I do without you' Ray said, his cheek resting on the top of Neelas head, her hair tickling the side of his face, while Neela had her arms circled around his waist.

Looking up, Neela cupped Rays face in her hands and pulled him into a passionate kiss. Breaking away, Neela looked up into Rays green-gold gaze and said,

'I think its time for bed' Neela said as she interlocked her fingers with Rays and pulled him towards the bedroom.

* * *

**A/N I hope that you like this long chapter and please review and let me know you're thoughts and ideas!**


	5. Open Our Hearts

**Title: Bend and Not Break**

**Author: DockRock06**

**Rating: M**

**Disclaimer: ****All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Spoilers: Season 12's 'If not now'**

**Content Warning: Adult themes i.e. Rape.**

**Summery: What if Ray wasn't really as fine as he is letting on? Will his friends be able to help him in time?**

**A/N In this chapter I am having the storyline with Eugene from season 11, the 14 year old boy who was being raped by his mother's boyfriend. It is not exactly like it happened in the show, but I want to say that I don't own that storyline, and I am just adjusting it to fit with my story.**

* * *

**Chapter Five: Open Our Hearts**

* * *

_See the truth all around,_

_Ohh, our faith can be broken,_

_Yeah, our hands can be bound,_

_Ohh, but open our hearts,_

_And fill up the emptiness,_

_With nothing to stop us, _

_Is it not worth the risk?_

_Yeah, is it not worth the risk?_

_The Calling 'Our Lives'_

* * *

It was Ray's first day back since his stabbing and Ray couldn't deny that he wasn't feeling slightly nervous. He knew that people would be asking him how he was after his father's death and his funeral, which Ray had obviously not attended, and he didn't know what he was going to say to them.

Running a hand through his hair, Ray got out of bed, careful not to wake Neela who didn't need to be up for another few hours as her shift was only a half shift and started later in the afternoon. Looking at her lying in _their_ bed peacefully, Ray couldn't help but feel grateful for having someone like Neela in his life. Someone who was there for him no matter what and didn't judge him when he did something wrong. It was nice having someone who actually believed in him for once and he was going to do whatever it took to make sure that she was happy.

Ray made his way to the bathroom, immediately turning the hot water on full blast as he shifted from foot to foot, trying to keep them off the cool tiles. Stripping off when he saw and felt the warm steam coming from the shower, Ray jumped in quickly and let the warm blast flow over his body before rubbing the suds all over his body and hair, knowing that it would be a bad idea to be late his first day back after a very long time off, no matter what reason it was.

Stepping out Ray dried off and wrapped the towel around his waist and made his way back to the bedroom to get dressed. Quietly opening the door, Ray shed the towel and pulled on a pair of boxers and socks as he hunted the room for a clean pair of jeans and top. He stopped however when he heard the faint sound of giggling and turned to see Neela staring at him, a huge smile on her face.

'What are you laughing at' Ray said in a mock serious tone as he walked over and sat on the bed beside Neela, pulling the comforter over himself to try and stay warm, the bedroom no warmer than the bathroom in the early hours of a Chicago morning.

'You, trying to find clean clothes. Any normal person would look in a closet; but you look on the floor!' Neela said as she took his hand in her own, rubbing her thumb backwards and forwards over his wrist, feeling his life pulsing beneath.

'Yeah, well, I never claimed to be normal' Ray said with a grin as he stood up and went to the closest, pulling out a pair of dark denim jeans and a black sweater, knowing that the E.R would defiantly be too cold for one of his t-shirts. Pulling his clothes on quickly Ray walked over and kissed Neela on the cheek before going to the kitchen and grabbing his bag and coat.

* * *

Walking down the stairs of the EL Ray burrowed farther into his coat, pulling his scarf tighter around his neck with his gloved hands to try and keep some warmth in his body. Stopping at the roach coach Ray got a coffee and made the dreaded journey to the front doors of the ER. Walking in Ray noticed that the waiting room was packed and cursed under his breath, _so much for an easy first day back. _

Seeing Luka at the admit desk, Ray nodded his head to him as he made his way to the doctors lounge to take off his parka coat and replace it with the pristine white lab coat with his name stitched on the front.

Pulling his lab coat on Ray turned his head when he heard the sound of the door to the lounge opening, and was surprised when he saw that it was Luka.

'Hi Luka' Ray said as he picked his cup of coffee back up off the table which he had set it on when he was taking his coat off, and cradled it in his hands to try and warm them up.

'Good Morning Ray' said the older doctor, eyeing the younger one suspicious, perhaps trying to see if he was O.K.

As Ray made his way to leave the lounge his stopped when he felt Lukas hand on his arm, halting his motions, and turned to look at Luka with a grin as he said,

'Something you need?'

Letting go of his arm, Luka nodded his head and motioned for Ray to sit on the sofa, as he sat on the coffee table in front of him.

'I just want to make sure you're alright. That you're not rushing back here' Luka said as he held Rays gaze, wanting to make sure he didn't miss any signs that Ray wasn't fine.

Shaking his head 'No' Ray replied as casually as he could,

'What, no I'm fine' and his trademark smile was in place, hiding how he felt inside. _No, but I can't tell you that._

Nodding his head, and obviously accepting the answer Luka smiled back at Ray and patted him on the leg before standing and saying,

'Well, I'll not keep you back then'

Standing and following Luka out the door Ray made his way over to the admit desk and began to look through the charts sitting in the rack. Lifting a few charts Ray made his way to his first patient, hoping that today was going to be easy.

* * *

After finishing all of his charts and discharging all of his patients, a rather pleased Ray made his way over to the admit desk. Seeing Morris Ray hoped that he wouldn't start asking questions like he usually did, but found that he was unlucky when the Chief Resident saddled over to him and clasped him on the shoulder.

'So Ray, first day back. How you feeling?' Morris asked with the weird little smile which he always seemed to have plastered on his face.

'Fine. Just discharged all of my patients and I'm looking for another' Ray said as he rifled through the charts, hoping to find another 'slam dunk' case.

'Well, is that so? Because I happen to have a chart here that I think you would be _great _with. A fourteen year old boy with sickle cell, all he needs is some medication and a discharge and he should be good to go' Morris said as he pointed in the direction of the waiting room to a thin boy sitting on his own in the corner.

Nodding his head and taking the chart from Morris Ray made his way over to triage.

Walking up behind Morris Abby gave him a rather painful slap on the back of the head, glaring at him as she said,

'You're twisted Morris. You know it's his first day back and you stick him with Eugene…who you know will never go home. You really are pathetic'

Rubbing the back of his head Morris turned and watched a retreating Abby as he thought; _what the hells up with her? She and Barnett got something going on behind Lukas back!_

* * *

'I can't walk on it man' said Eugene as he pointed his finger to his foot.

Ray turned and asked Haleh to get a wheelchair for Eugene and bring him to sutures just as a trauma was pulled into the triage area, and he quickly excused himself and asked a nurse to bring Eugene to sutures for when he was done as he made his way over to the gurney to help.

Pushing the gurney into Trauma 1 along with Luka, Abby and Chuny, Ray helped transfer the patient from one bed to another and began to assess the injuries.

'Crackles on the right side' Ray announced as he listened to the chest.

As Ray was about to perform a cut down, he heard his name being called and looked up to see that it was Haleh calling him, and looking over his shoulder he saw that Eugene was walking around the room, even though he had just told Ray that he couldn't.

'Excuse me' Ray said as he stripped off his gloves and gown, walking through the joining door and saying,

'Where you going man, I thought you couldn't walk?' a sarcastic and annoyed tone in his voice.

'I needed to use the bathroom. What did you expect me to do?' Replied Eugene, although not very convincingly as he sat back down on the edge of the bed.

'Well you could stop playing me for a start' replied Ray as he lifted a band aid and cotton ball from the tray beside the bed.

'The medicine made it better' lied Eugene as he looked anywhere but at Ray.

'Well, you got your fix so now you can stop wasting my time' Ray snapped as he pulled the I.V tubing from Eugene's arm and stuck the band aid over the puncture hole.

'What no, it'll get worse I know it will.' Begged Eugene.

Pulling his prescription pad from his lab coat pocket, Ray scribbled down some medication and thrust it into Eugene's hand.

'Cant I just stay here?' Eugene pleaded once again with the young doctor.

Running his hand over his face Ray pretended to think for a moment, saying,

'Ahh…no!' before walking back towards the door, receiving a 'Well done' and a pat on the back from Haleh.

Walking back into the trauma room, Ray pulled on another gown and pair of gloved and made his way over to the side of the bed to stand beside Abby.

'Sorry, that kid' Ray said, indicating his head towards sutures.

'Eugene' Abby said as she continued working.

'Yeah, how did you know?' Asked a confused Ray. _Had Abby seen him earlier?_

Glancing up to Ray momentarily Abby said,

'He's a bit of a frequent flyer. Morris is such a dick for giving him to you, _he knows!_'

Shaking his head in disbelief Ray helped unhook the machines as the surgeons moved the bed out to the elevator, leaving only him and Abby in the room. As he made his way to leave Ray was stopped by Abby's hand on his arm, much like Luka's earlier, and he turned to look at her.

'So, how are you?' Abby asked in a quiet voice as she stared into his eyes, as if she was trying to look right into his soul, which was actually making Ray feel a little uncomfortable.

'Fine' Ray said with a small smile, hoping that he sounded convincing, because he sure as hell didn't feel it.

'That's good' Abby said with a wide smile and patted Ray on the arm before leaving the trauma room.

* * *

It was the end of Rays shift and he was glad to finally be going home, after the first trauma there had been three more and he was exhausted. All he wanted to do was go home and crash on the sofa until Neela came home.

Walking across the road Ray yelled for a taxi, and let out an exasperated sigh as none stopped. Shaking his head he went to walk on but suddenly something, or rather someone caught his eye. _It can't be _

Walking over to the front of the closed store, Ray realized that it _was _Eugene standing in front of the store.

'Hey man, what are you doing here? You should be at home' Ray stated as he walked over and stood beside him.

'I'm not going home' Eugene replied, not taking his eyes off the gadgets in the window in front of him.

Pushing his hand into the pocket of his coat Ray pulled out a few bills and held his hand out to Eugene while saying,

'You need a taxi fare?'

Eugene shook his head and said in an agitated voice,

'I'm not going home, he'll be there!'

Ray remembered how Eugene had told him that his mother was at work and that her boyfriend was at home, but wouldn't be able to pick him up. Guessing that he was the man who Eugene was referring to Ray asked,

'You two don't get along?' and he couldn't push down the sickening feeling that he knew all too well where this conversation was heading.

Turning to look at Ray over his shoulder, Eugene said in a quiet voice,

'No…he does stuff'

The admission was enough to make Ray feel warm, his throat feeling as though it was closing up. But after taking a few deep breathes, knowing that he had to help this kid, Ray said,

'Why don't you come back into the hospital. I'll take care of it. You'll be fine' Ray knew that he was saying the words which many had said to him over the past few weeks, words which he always thought weren't true. But he was determined to help Eugene like people hadn't helped him when he was young. He only wished that he had gotten the courage to tell someone when it had started to him, like Eugene just did.

Putting his arm around his shoulder, Ray guided the two of them back across the road and into the hospital. As soon as Pratt had spotted Ray, and the kid with him, he had shot Ray an agitated look.

'What's going on?' Pratt questioned, not masking the anger in his voice.

Motioning Chuny over Ray asked her to take Eugene into curtain three, and turning to Pratt in said in a quiet voice,

'He was raped' and just before he turned to go and see how Eugene was, he didn't miss the look of guilt and sympathy that crossed over Pratt's face, dissolving away all of the anger which he had initially felt.

* * *

Waling into the dimly lit room, Ray pulled the stool over beside the bed and sat down.

'Listen, I wish you had of told me' and with that statement Ray received a glare from Eugene, but couldn't blame him. He then corrected himself, saying, 'Or that I'd asked'

Eugene just shrugged his shoulders, not really knowing what else to do or say to the young doctor.

The room was filled with an awkward silence, neither knowing what to say or do. The silence was broken however by Eugene, his voice cutting through it as he said,

'Why do you think they do it?' And although it was only an innocent question, Eugene not knowing how Ray too had thought that very same thing, Ray couldn't stop the shaking in his hands.

'I guess they…they just don't care. There bad people' Ray said as way of an explanation, not wanting to think about it too much.

'I phoned you're mother and she's going to be here soon'

Ray noticed the dropping of Eugene's eyes, knowing that he had probably been up most of the night before and had spent all day in the hospital and was most likely exhausted.

'You tired?' Ray questioned, receiving a nod to confirm his thoughts.

'Well I'll stay here until your mom gets here and then Dr. Kovac is going to look after you' Ray stopped, and then added, 'It's going to be O.K'

It had been a few minutes since Eugene had fallen asleep and Ray felt his own eyes growing heavier. He would have left only Eugene's mother still hadn't arrived and he would feel bad leaving him alone after he had promised to stay with him.

Resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, Ray felt his own eyes closing against his own efforts to keep them open. Hearing everything beginning to get quieter around him, the sounds of the machines drifting away, Ray was tempted to let the urge take over him, but that was all snapped way when he felt a had on his back, jerking him back to awareness.

Turning his head to see who it was Ray was surprised to see that it was Neela, smiling at him, a sad look in her eyes.

'I treated him like crap today. I didn't even ask him why he didn't want to go home' Ray said quietly, not wanting to wake up Eugene.

Pulling a stool over to sit beside her boyfriend, Neela lifted Rays hand in her own and gave it a reassuring squeeze as she said,

'You did what you did because you thought he was after a fix. Everybody has done that to him over the past months. But you're the _only _one who got him in here now. Who found out why' She raised her hand to his face, rubbing her thumb over his cheekbone as he looked at her with said eyes.

Hearing the sound of the door opening, both residents looked round to see that it was Luka who had came in.

'Hey, I got this now Ray, why don't you two go home' Luka said as he lifted the chart from the end of the bed and began writing on it.

'I was thinking maybe I could help' Ray said as Neela left to go and get her coat.

Setting the chart back down and walking over to Ray, the older doctor put his had on his shoulder and said in a gentle tone,

'I think it might be a bit much Ray.' And he didn't miss the flash of shame that crossed Ray's eyes before he turned his head away.

'It's not that I don't think you can handle it. I just think you need to go home, you look beat. You've had a pretty hectic first day back' Luka said with a smile.

Nodding his head in agreement Ray faced Luka again and said,

'Yeah…well I'll see you tomorrow then. Goodnight'

'Yeah, goodnight'

Walking out of the room, Ray walked over to Neela and took her hand in his. They both said goodnight to the rest of the doctors and nurses at the admit before making there way back out into the cold night, hoping to get home to the warmth of their apartment soon.

* * *

Neela and Ray were both sitting on the couch, snuggled up against each other with a blanket over their knees and watching a cheesy film on the T.V.

Ray wasn't really paying much attention to the film, his mind filled with thoughts about Eugene and his own father. He looked over at Neela and realized just how lucky he was to have found her.

Leaning over he placed a gentle kiss on her cheek, pulling back and smiling at the surprised look on her face.

'What was that for…not that I don't like it' Neela asked with a laugh.

'For being you' Ray said with a sparkle in his eyes, the love for Neela clearly showing through, the same sparkle looking back at him.

* * *

**A/N Well I hope that you liked this chapter, and please tell me what you think! **


	6. These Bones

**First off I just want to say how sorry I am for neglecting this story, and I feel so bad for leaving it sitting for so long without any attention. But now I am going to update and I hope that you like it. Please review and let me know what you think!**

**Also, this chapter is a little darker, so be warned. Nothing graphic, but I just wanted to let you know.**

**The song in this chapter is 'These Bones' by Dashboard Confessional. A really great song, you should give it a listen.**

* * *

**Chapter Six: These Bones**

* * *

_These bones  
Are like maps and keys  
Where they took their hits  
And they felt those teeth _

There's a story hidden  
Underneath  
If you dig in deep  
Will you find relief?

For these bones  
Shudder all night long  
The hammer drops  
Another scar  
For these bones

But I know  
They're only my second home

* * *

Ray was lying in bed, his shift that day not starting until the afternoon, something which he was grateful for. Although he had only had one shift, the day before, it had been a tiring one, both physically and mentally. All night he had been kept awake by thoughts of Eugene and his own father running through his brain, keeping his tired body from sleep. He had of course feigned sleep when Neela had whispered into the dark room, asking if he was awake or not. He knew that she had to work too, and he hadn't really been in the mood for talking anyway. He wanted to be able to handle things on his own, take care of something for himself like he had for the best part of his life after the death of his mother. He had always had to fix himself up after the beatings his father would give, no longer having gentle and caring hands of his mother to nurse the cuts and bruises. Rolling onto his back, his hand lying across his chest and holding the necklace around his neck, a ring on a chain with the words _Ray Barnett _engraved into the inner part of it, a gift from his mother the year before she had been taken from him, Ray felt his mind slipping back to a memory of one of the drunken fights his father had started with him, although he didn't really think that 'fight' was the best word to describe what his father did when he never really had the strength or courage to fit back against that monster.

* * *

_**Flashback**_

_Ray was sixteen years old and sitting at the table in his room doing his English homework. He always done, not wanting to be any where near the other man, not after what he had done. Ray hadn't told anyone, his father threatening to kill him if he did. And Ray knew that he would do it, he was a cold hearted man who cared about no one or no thing other than himself._

_Ray heard the sound of the front door slamming open, and glancing at the clock confusion washed over him as he saw that it was just after four O' Clock, surely his father should still be at work…unless_

'_Where the hell are you, you little shit?' James roared from his position at the door, wondering where his son was. He had gotten a phone call from the school informing him that Ray had missed over a week at school a few weeks ago, and after pestering Ray from a note from home but not receiving any, they had phoned James Barnett to see why._

_The reason why Ray hadn't went to school was because he didn't think that he would be able to face anyone, even though they hadn't known what had happened, he didn't think that he would be able to look them in the eyes without wanting to tell them, to get away from his father._

_Sitting in his room Ray felt his pulse quicken as he wondered what to do. He didn't want to go downstairs, what if his father did it again? Standing up out of his chair Ray ran a shaking hand through his messy brown hair, tears beginning to prick at the corners of his eyes as he felt the fear in him building up._

_James Barnett looked in all of the rooms downstairs, and not finding his son there he began to thunder up the stairs, his heavy boots resounding around the quiet house and making the noise seem almost deafening. Coming to the door of Ray's room, James slammed the door open and glared at Ray with darkening eyes. _

'_What's this I heard about you missing school huh?' James snarled into Rays face as he grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled his face close to his, his warm breath, foul with the stench of cigarettes, playing over Rays face, and causing his already watery eyes to tear up even more._

'_I…I…' Ray stuttered out not knowing what to say. _

_Letting go of Rays neck James punched Ray in the face, causing the teen to fall to the floor as his face stung and blood began to trickle from his cheekbone where James had hit him, the ring which he always wore on his hand breaking the skin, which was already beginning to show the signs of purple and black._

_Bending down, James grabbed Ray around the bicep and pulled him to his feet before slamming him into the wall, his hand going around his sons' throat as he growled._

'_You better not have told anyone what happened…cos you remember what'll happen if you did' James threatened with a smile on his face, loving the fact that he had so much power over his son. _

_He knew that what he had done was wrong, how couldn't he, but that did matter. All that mattered was the fact that he had Ray under his thumb and could force him to do whatever he wanted. Feeling Rays thin fingers around his wrist, gently trying to pry his hand from around his throat, James let go and let Ray crumple to the ground, his heaving breaths the only sound in the room._

'_I didn't' Ray whispered as James walked around the room, looking at his sons belongings. Walking back over to Ray, James grabbed his around the arm again, hauling him to his feet just like before and began to drag him down the stairs. _

_Digging his feet into the floor, Ray tried to pull his arm away from his father, afraid of what he was about to do. Letting his tears out, the salty liquid spilling down his cheeks, brushing over the cut and the discolored skin, Ray said in a pleading, choked voice, _

'_Please, I'm sorry…don't do it again' _

_James ignored his sons pleas, not really caring what he wanted or about the fact that his fingers where going to leave a bruise on the skin on the thin wrist of his sons arm from his vice like grip as he trailed him into the kitchen._

_Walking over to the fridge James pulled out a case of beer, grabbing one and downing half of the bottle in one go, then slamming it down on the counter. Letting go of Rays wrist, James slammed him into the counter, the impact causing Ray to fall._

_Lying on the floor, his arm cradled against his chest, Ray felt the tears which where still running down his cheeks, and looked up at his father who had a picture of fury on his face. As James leaned down, his hand reaching out to grab Ray again._

'_What the hell are you playing at you little shit?' James yelled and lifted the bottle of beer, finishing the rest of it in one swig. Ray was certain that this wasn't the first drink that James had drank that day, for he had reeked of alcohol when he had came home. _

_In an instant James had stormed back over to Ray, his fists pummeling his son as he shouted,_

'_Stop you're crying you little bastard! You're just like you're mother, a pathetic little fucker!'_

_Ray tried to cover himself from the blows, but couldn't and felt his entire body aching as James punched and kicked him over and over again. Lying on the floor a few minutes later, blood pouring from cuts which had been made with the same ring, on the same hands, Ray watched his fathers feet as they stormed out the door, probably going off to a bar somewhere to get even more drunk._

_Pushing himself up onto shaky feet, Ray stumbled over to the fridge and pulled out a bag of ice, and placed some in the towel which was lying on the worktop. Taking it with him, he stumbled up the stairs and into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and going over to the sink. _

_Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Ray felt and watched the tears fall from his eyes, which were black and blue, a cut above his left eyebrow letting blood run down his face. Wiping a gentle hand across his eyes, Ray wiped away the tears and then began to fill the sink with faintly warm water and then began to gently wipe away the blood that was on his face. When all of the blood was away, Ray sighed as he looked at his reflection, his face a patchwork of cuts and bruises. He would have to think of another lie to cover this one. Walking over to the toilet, he sat down on the closed lid and lifted the towel of ice to his face, wincing as the cold hit his face, but soon finding its numbing effect comforting._

_He had spent the rest of the night in his room, lying on his bed curled up under the blankets and sheets. It had started to rain and he had waited to hear the sound of his fathers' footsteps coming back. It hadn't been long until he had, and he had lain in his room, the dark actually comforting him, a way to be hidden away from everyone and everything._

_Soon the darkness had been interrupted by a stream of light across the floor, but only for a moment until the door was shut again. Ray was lying with his back to the door and he only knew that his father was beside him when he felt the bed dip down behind him. His heart was pounding as he felt his fathers hand on his head, a gentle touch which was so unlike his father. Ray wondered what was going on, why was his father acting like this, a man who a few hours ago had been beating him. Ray however knew that this wasn't a gentle and caring hand when he felt his fathers hand move from his head and even further down his body._

_Knowing what was about to happen, although it wouldn't be painful like a few weeks ago, Ray squeezed his eyes shut, felt the bile rise in his throat as he felt his fathers hand touching him. When James had left, after placing a drunken kiss and a slurred whisper of, 'same tomorrow night you little shit', Ray had curled up in the bed, letting his tears fall. _

_**End Of Flashback**_

* * *

Ray squeezed his eyes shut and rolled over to his side, his back facing Neela. His hand was still clutched around the necklace as silent tears fell from his eyes which stared out into the darkness, a darkness which once had been comforting to him, a way to escape, until that one night, which had been the beginning of darkness meaning pain and fear.

Ray glanced over his shoulder to make sure that Neela was still asleep and then pushed the blanket off himself, and letting his feet touch the floor. Standing up, Ray tiptoed over to the door, and glancing back to make sure that Neela was still asleep, Ray opened the door slightly and slipped out and into the living room.

Walking into the kitchen he poured himself a glass of water, surprised when he saw that his hands where shaking. Making his way back to the couch, Ray sat down and took a gulp of the water, feeling it rushing down his throat as he stared out into the night. He set the glass down and lay down on the couch, his knees pulled up and his hand finding its way back to the necklace. Fingering the ring which was suspended from it in his thin fingers, Ray felt the tears which had been so frequent over the past few weeks returning, and too tired to even fight them, Ray closed his eyes and let the tears come, as he fell into an exhausted sleep, too tired to even be haunted by the nightmares of his past.

* * *

It was the next morning and Neela woke to find that Ray was not in bed with her anymore. Glancing at her clock she saw that it was still early and even though she did need to get up, she knew that Ray didn't as he wasn't on until the afternoon. Getting out of bed and placing her robe on her, Neela made her way out into the dark living room. Looking at the couch she wasn't surprised to see that Ray was asleep there, as he had endured a hectic day the day before.

Walking over to him, Neela took the thick blanket from off the back of the couch and placed it over him. Leaning forward Neela wondered why it had looked as if Ray had been crying, as he had not said anything to her, like he had said he would. Touching her palm to the side of his face, Neela watched as his eyes fluttered open, his green eyes locking with her brown ones.

'Hey, what are you doing out here?' Neela asked in a gentle tone, and moved to sit beside Ray as he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

Rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, Ray looked away from Neela as he said in a low voice,

'I couldn't sleep…I kept thinking about Eugene…and my dad'

Standing up and walking around so that she was now kneeling in front of Ray, Neela took his face in hands and said in a gentle voice,

'Why didn't you talk to me, you know that I'm here for you'

Ray couldn't look at her as she said that, because he was afraid that he would just break down by the look of love that he was sure would be in her eyes, the same look that she would see if she could see into his for her.

'But I can't tell you…it's too hard' Ray said in a choked voice as he looked down after glancing at her face.

Moving so that she was sitting on the arm of the couch, Neela wrapped her arms around Ray and pulled him to her, his head resting on her chest as he wrapped one arm around her and held her arm which was wrapped around her with the other hand.

'I'm going to phone Luka and tell him you need a bit more time off. This was too soon Ray' Neela said as she ran her hand through Rays hair, fighting back her own tears as she realized that maybe she wasn't helping Ray the way that he needed to be.

'Don't…I can't stay here…and think about it…all day' Ray choked out as he sobbed, tears falling down his cheeks as he was clinging onto Neela. He didn't want to be sitting alone all day, the only thing to keep him company the memories of his past.

Rocking him back and forth, Neela placed a kiss on the top of Rays head as she whispered to him,

'Shh, it'll be O.K Ray…it'll be O.K'

But the more she thought about it, the more she wondered if it would be.

* * *

**O.K, I hope that you liked this chapter. And please review and let me know what you think!**


	7. Easier To Run

**Well, first off a big THANK YOU! To all those who reviewed the last chapter. You were:**

**siddika, Henia1977, Updates-Please, EDITH78, Ocean of Ashes and last but certainly not least, butterflyswest.**

**I know that this story and its subject is a difficult one, so thank you to everyone who has stuck by it. I hope that I am writing it delicately and sensitively and would love to know what you think, since it is such a sensitive subject. **

**Well, on with chapter seven.**

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Easier To Run**

_It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone _

Something has been taken  
From deep inside of me  
A secret I've kept locked away  
No one can ever see  
Wounds so deep they never show  
They never go away  
Like moving pictures in my head  
For years and years they've played 

_**Linkin Park – Easier to Run**_

* * *

'_Shh, it'll be O.K Ray…it'll be O.K'_

Ray heard the words Neela said, but he knew that he couldn't believe them, he knew that he couldn't let himself think that everything was going to be alright when he knew that it wasn't and that it could never, and would never be.

Closing his eyes, Ray felt his tears fall down his face, and Neela's hand running through his hair as she rocked him back and forth gently, trying to comfort him. He loved her so much, but he hated the fact that he was putting her through something that she didn't have to be going through. He wondered if she was just staying because she thought that she couldn't leave him…but he knew better than to voice these thoughts.

'Please don't phone him' Ray said after his tears had slowed and his sobs subsided, although tears still fell from his eyes, his pain reflected clearly from them, especially to Neela.

'Ray, you can't work like this…you need to talk to someone'

Neela looked down at him and waited for some sort of reaction, and when he didn't answer she placed her hand gently under his chin and lifted his face so that he was looking at her. She felt her heart break at the tear stains on his face, and the pain and hurt that was showing so clearly to her, Ray so tired and broken that he couldn't even hide his feelings anymore, his eyes open for everyone to see his soul.

'I can't…you don't understand' Ray didn't say it with an angry or aggressive tone, but instead that of a sullen and defeated one, showing his exhaustion, both mentally and physically.

Moving so that she was sitting beside Ray, and not above him, Neela took his hand in her own, her thumb rubbing across his wrist in an comforting way as she suggested,

'What about Luka, he already knows and he's your friend?' Neela thought that maybe it would be easier for Ray if he talked to someone who knew what had happened, and that way he wouldn't have to retell what had happened a few weeks ago, knowing that wound was too fresh.

Thinking about it, Ray looked up at Neela and replied in a quiet voice,

'I…O.K' He knew that he had to try and get better, for his and Neela's sake. He hated feeling this way, so broken and scared all the time. He wanted to go back to the way he used to be, carefree and fun, living life to the full.

Smiling, glad that Ray had agreed, although she knew that he was reluctant and scared, both emotions so clearly visible on his face, Neela pulled him into a loving hug, her arms embracing him as she whispered in his ear,

'You're going to get through this O.K…and I'm going to help you'

Pulling back, Neela took Rays hand in her own, the other cupping his cheek as she said,

'You look exhausted, why don't you go back to bed for a while?'

Giving Neela a small smile, Ray yawned a little before nodding his head in agreement and kissing her on the cheek before going back to the bedroom, leaving Neela to get ready for work.

* * *

After Ray had left Neela had gotten herself some breakfast, although most of it had ended up in the bin, Neela not really in the mood to eat, especially after what she and Ray had just went through. She had then went and gotten a shower and dressed, selecting a pair of black trousers and a light pink shirt. She had dried her hair and left it down, and was making her way into the bedroom to check on Ray before she left.

Opening the door, Neela let her eyes adjust to the dim light in the room, the curtains still pulled closed, causing a sea of darkness to fill the room in the early hours of the morning. Walking over to Ray, Neela gazed at him as he lay on his side, one hand tucked under his pillow, the other draped over the edge of the bed. The blanket which had been covering him had fallen off a bit, and so Neela walked over and pulled it up to his shoulders, smiling as he moved in his sleep and pulled it closer to himself.

Leaning over, Neela placed a gentle kiss on Ray's forehead, careful not to wake him. Whispering, Neela said to Ray,

'Bye baby'

She walked to the bedroom door and took one last look at him before leaving and shutting it quietly. She hated leaving him after what had happened that morning, but she knew that she had to go to work, not only so she wouldn't get in trouble, but to talk to Luka.

* * *

It was Neela's break and she had arranged to meet Luka in the lounge before he went home, his shift having ended. She had poured two cups of coffee, making a fresh pot before, not knowing which member of staff had made the batch which had been in the pot when she had came in.

She had been thinking about Ray all day, and how to approach Luka. In the end she had just ask would he come and talk to her at the end of his shift, and he had agreed immediately. Neela wandered if he knew that it had something to do with Ray, or if he was just being himself, a kind man who wanted to help his friends. She guessed both, and in reality she was right.

Sitting on the sofa in the lounge, Neela looked up when she heard the door open, and smiled when she saw that it was Luka, a smile on his face as he walked over and sat beside her as he said,

'You wanted to talk to me'

Neela handed him the cup of coffee which she had made for him, which he thanked her for as she said,

'It's about Ray'

Luka nodded his head and took a sip from the hot drink as he looked at Neela with sympathetic eyes. Setting the steaming cup on the table in front of him, Luka ask,

'How is he, I know he had a rough shift yesterday'

Neela mimicked Lukas actions and set her own cup down as she replied,

'Not that good…I was hoping you could maybe talk to him, he says he can't talk to me' Neela felt tears form in her eyes as she said that, feeling guilty at the fact that she couldn't even help her own boyfriend when he needed her the most.

Seeing this, Luka placed a comforting hand on Neela's shoulder as he said in a gentle tone,

'I'm sure he's just scared…he knows you love him'

Neela laughed an embarrassed laugh as she wiped away a few tears that had slipped from her eyes. Nodding her head in agreement, knowing that Luka was probably right, as he usually was, gave Luka a quick hug as she said,

'Thanks Luka, you don't know what a great friend you are'

Luka smiled and stood up as he said,

'When will I go over?' Luka wasn't sure if Ray knew he was coming, or if Neela wanted to be there, so he thought it would be best to make sure.

Looking at her watch quickly, Neela looked up at Luka, who was getting his coat, scarf and gloves from his locker and putting them on, looking at her and waiting to see what she was going to say,

'Well, now, if you haven't got any plans' Neela said, not wanting to impose on Luka, knowing that she had asked him to do this on short notice.

Nodding his head, Luka replied,

'No, I've no plans. I'll go now then. Bye' Luka said before he exited the lounge, leaving a slightly less worried Neela, happier in the fact that she knew that Ray had his friends looking out for him.

* * *

Ray had woke a few hours after Neela had left, and glancing at the clock he was amazed that he had been able to sleep for so long without waking up due to a nightmare or memory that was haunting his dreams.

Pushing himself up, Ray swung his legs over the end of the bed and placed his feet on the floor, before pushing himself up and making his way to the bathroom. Turning on the shower, Ray let the water run, and just as he was about to get undressed and get into the shower, more to wash away the memories than anything else, Ray heard a knock at the door.

He felt his heart quicken as his mind drifted back to a day that was so familiar, he felt his mind flash back to that awful day.

**_Flashback_**

_Ray opened the door and stood in shock at who stood before him, it was James Barnett._

_Ray felt his breath catch in his throat and his heart thundering against his chest as he stared at his father, frozen to the spot as he didn't know what to do._

_James Barnett pushed his son out of his way and walked into the apartment, slamming the front door in the process. Turning quickly he grabbed Ray by the front of his t-shirt before he had the chance to move and slammed him up against the wall, putting his large hand around Rays throat._

_Ray felt his back burning with the impact of the hit to the wall and shuddered when his father leaned in close to his ear, his grip on his throat being released but only so that James could move his hand over Rays mouth_

'_When I told you that you were going to pay boy, I meant it'_

_**Flashback**_

Ray shook his head and reminded himself that his father wasn't there, he couldn't be. Walking over to the door, Ray looked through the peep-hole, checking who it was, and then opened the door when he saw that it was Luka.

'Hey Luka' Ray said as he moved aside and let the older man in, who smiled at him as he entered the apartment.

'So, how are you feeling?' Luka questioned as he looked at Ray. He was wearing a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. Luka wondered if he had woken him up.

'O.K' Ray replied as he walked over to the couch, saying to Luka, 'Sit down'

Luka followed and sat down on the couch beside Ray. Taking in his appearance once more he noticed how exhausted Ray looked, rings under his eyes. He also looked thinner than he had a few weeks ago. Luka realized that maybe Neela was right in asking him to talk to Ray; he obviously was having a hard time dealing with it and didn't know what to do…and it was beginning to show on him physically as well as mentally.

Wondering how exactly to approach the subject, Luka turned his face to look at Ray as he said,

'Neela ask me to come over, she said you needed someone to talk to'

Luka waited for Ray to speak, not wanting to push him. Ray turned his head and looked at Luka with a sad smile on his face as he said,

'Yeah…but it's not that easy'

He hated the fact that he felt like he couldn't take care of things by himself. He just wished that he could run away from it all and never have to think about what had happened.

'Yeah but it helps' Luka said in an encouraging voice, hoping to get Ray to open up to him a bit more.

Looking at Luka, Ray wondered if maybe he was right. He knew that Luka had been through a lot himself, maybe nothing like him, but still he had been through his owns pains and losses in his life.

Leaning back a bit in the chair, Ray looked forward as he said,

'I don't know how though…I can't just talk about it'

Placing a comforting hand on Rays shoulder, Luka moved so that he could see Rays face as he said,

'You have to try, I know it'll be hard, but it will help'

* * *

**The Flashback in this chaper is taken from the prequel to this, 'Doctor Rock' Chapter 17.**

**O.K, stopping it there…evil I know! But I want your opinions, should Ray talk to Luka or not? Reviews are love, and 'what the world needs now, is love, sweet love!'**

**So hit that little button and let me know what you think…I really need the feedback for this story, since it is such a sensitive topic.**


	8. Too Much Pressure

**Thank you to all of those who read or/and reviewed the last chapter, your comments where all appreciated and very encouraging, as I am glad to see that I am handling this story well. Thank you to:**

**Butterflyswest, siddika, modscho and Updates-Please.**

**The song in this chapter is '**_**Crawling**_**', by Linkin Park.**

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Too Much Pressure**

* * *

_there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface  
consuming/confusing  
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending  
controlling/I can't seem _

to find myself again  
my walls are closing in  
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)  
I've felt this way before  
so insecure

* * *

'_You have to try, I know it'll be hard, but it will help'_

Ray looked down at his hands in his lap, and took in what Luka had just said, the older man still looking at him, waiting for him to say something, or do something, anything that would show what Ray was feeling at that moment. But his face was blank, and Luka couldn't see his eyes because of the way which he was sitting, and the truth was, it scared him the fact that Ray hadn't said anything.

Leaning over and placing his hand on Rays shoulder, his touch gentle, as so not to startle Ray, Luka was about to repeat what he had said, when Ray replied,

'It doesn't mean that it didn't happen…and that I won't always remember that it did' His eyes had been fixed on the same spot as he said this, not blinking and his voice was void of emotion, his face still not showing how he was feeling.

Taking his hand off Rays back, but moving so that he was sitting closer to him, feeling awkward sitting so far away from him, even though it was only one seat, Luka leaned forward and angled his face so that he could look at Ray as he said in a sympathetic voice,

'It won't, but it'll let you share some of the load…you shouldn't have to carry something like that around with you all your life'

Leaning back in the chair, Ray ran a hand through his hair and let out a humorless laugh as he looked at Luka and said,

'Maybe I _should_ have to'

Luka was honestly shocked by what Ray had just said, not being able to believe that Ray thought that he should have to suffer on his own, when he had friends who loved him like family, who where willing to help him whenever he needed it. Leaning back, and looking Ray in the eyes, Luka said in a gentle voice,

'Why do you think that?' wanting to know why Ray would even think that, let alone say it to him.

Shrugging his shoulders slightly, Ray shook his head as he said,

'Because it was my fault, I could have stopped him and I didn't, so why should you have to deal with it, when you did nothing wrong' Ray looked at Luka with sad eyes, truly believing that he had been to blame for what had happened, not only a few weeks ago, but all through his life. If he didn't stop him and brought it on himself, then why did he deserve people's sympathy?

Placing his hands on Ray's shoulders, forcing him to look at him, Luka said in a stern, yet gentle tone,

'It wasn't your fault Ray…none of this was, and don't _ever_ think that it was'

Ray looked down, not able to stand the look of sympathy which was so clearly shining from Luka's eyes, something which Ray didn't think that he deserved.

'How can you say that it wasn't?' Ray asked, although his voice was somewhat quieter than it had been, Luka noted.

His hands still on Ray's shoulders, Luka blew out a small breath of frustration, more at himself than at Ray, angry that he wasn't getting through to him, helping him in the way which Neela had asked him to. He had promised her that, and he didn't want to break that promise. Moving one hand from Rays shoulder to the side of his neck, causing Ray to look at him as he did so, Luka looked Ray straight in the eye as he said,

'What age where you when he first did it?'

His eyes widening a little in shock at the question, Ray tried to pull back but Luka tightened his grip and repeated his question,

'What age Ray?'

Clenching his jaw as he felt the lump in his throat forming, a pool of tears beginning to form as his mind flashed back to that awful day, Ray said in a forced voice,

'Why are you doing this?' his head bent so that he didn't have to look into Luka's eyes.

In a much gentler voice, Luka said,

'What age?'

Wrapping his arms across himself as if he was trying to protect himself, although from what, Lukas question and the memories it brought up, the fact that he might realize that he wasn't to blame and would have to deal with it all, he didn't know.

'Sixteen' Ray said in a whispered voice, the tears threatening to spill over at any moment.

'Yeah Ray, you were just a child…so how was that your fault?' Luka watched as a tear fell from Ray's eye, quickly followed by another and another. Pulling him into a hug, Rays face buried in his shoulder as he quietly sobbed, Luka ran his hand over his back as he said,

'You can't blame yourself Ray, its not going to make things better just because you think that you deserved what happened' Pausing for a moment, Luka then continued, 'You never did, and it shouldn't have happened…but it did, and now you have friends who want to help you, so let us'

With his eyes still shut, the tears falling from them unchecked down his cheeks, Ray said in a strained voice,

'But you don't understand…I can't', his face still against Lukas shoulder, the other man trying to comfort him as best he could.

'I know I don't, but I know that you need someone to talk to…and we're always here if you need us'

Pulling back from Luka, Ray wiped his hand across his eyes, an embarrassed laugh escaping him as he said,

'I feel like such an idiot'

Putting his hand on Rays' shoulder, Luka looked at him with a small smile as he said in an encouraging voice,

'You're not, and you'll get through this. You have me, Abby and Kerry. Plus a girlfriend who loves you and would do anything for you'

Biting his lip, Ray leaned his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands as he said in a tired voice,

'I'm just so tired…of all of this'

Luka felt his worry reach a new level, what if Ray did something rash? His talk hadn't really helped, it just seemed to have opened up old, painful wounds, and now Ray seemed even worse than when he had first come.

He couldn't even begin to imagine how Ray felt at that moment, and the thoughts that were running through his head. He knew that he knew practically nothing of Rays past, so how did he know that Ray hadn't ever done anything before, like self-harm or even attempted suicide. He knew that his thoughts may be a little over dramatic to some people, but he was truly worried, and was afraid of what could happen. He would blame himself if it did. He knew that Neela was due back in a few hours, so he thought that maybe he could stay here until she was, and then he could tell her what Ray had said and see if she could even try and talk to him once more.

'I know…do you wanna see what's on T.V?' Luka suggested.

Lifting his head from his hands, Ray looked at Luka with a small smile and nodded his head, Luka picking up the remote and switching it onto the basketball. Ray knew that he couldn't kick him out, and he didn't really want to. He didn't even want to imagine being in the apartment on his own, his thoughts would just keep going back to all of the times his father had hurt him, and he would go mad. He was glad to have a friend like Luka, someone who didn't judge him, and as he said, was there to help him when he needed it.

* * *

It was a few hours later, and Neela was making her way up the stairs which led to her and Rays apartment. She had been thinking about him all day, and was glad that she was finally home. Pushing the key into the lock, Neela was shocked to see that Luka was still there, sitting on the sofa beside Ray, a few bottles of beer on the table in front of them, both men absorbed in whatever match they were watching on the television.

Walking over to them, Neela set her bag down, and dropped her keys on the kitchen table, a laugh escaping her mouth as both men shot their heads round to find the source of the sound.

'Hello boys' Neela joked as she walked over and sat on the arm of the chair beside Ray, her arms wrapped around him as she kissed him on the cheek.

Feeling awkward as he saw the look that passed between Luka and Neela, the latter obviously wanting to talk, but not wanting to say in front of him, Ray looked up and Neela and said,

'I'm just gonna get showered'

Nodding his head at Luka, Ray got up and made his way to the bathroom, and once he was inside, the door locked, he leaned against it, and heard the inaudible voices of Neela and Luka, his mind in no doubt as to what they were discussing. Walking over to the shower and turning the water on full blast, Ray leaned against the wall, and sliding down it he covered his head with his arms, his quiet sobs drowned out by the sound of the pounding water.

* * *

Outside in the living room, Neela waited until the door was shut and moved so that she was sitting beside Luka, her hopeful eyes gazing at him and asked,

'How did it go?'

Looking at the bathroom door and then back at Neela, remembering his conversation with Ray that afternoon, Luka said in a crestfallen voice,

'Not that well…he thinks it's his fault and he deserves it'

Shock visible on her face, Neela stuttered out,

'W-what, why?' She couldn't believe that Ray could think that he had some part to blame in the torture that monster had put him through.

'He said that he didn't, even though he couldn't, stop his father, that he must have deserved it' Pausing for a second, and then shaking his head, Luka added, 'he was just a child, how could he?'

Running a hand through her hair, Neela looked at Luka with a sad smile as she said,

'He couldn't…but he needs to realize that, and I don't think one of us talking to him is going to help. He needs _professional_ help to get through this' Leaning over and hugging Luka, Neela said, 'Thanks for talking to him Luka'

Returning the embrace, Luka pulled back and said to her,

'I know, but I think that I just made it worse. I stayed because I was afraid of what he might do', he had a worried expression on his face, the exact same one soon finding its ways to Neela's as she gazed at the bathroom door, worried for her boyfriend.

* * *

In the bathroom, Ray wiped at his eyes and pushed himself to his feet, and remembering how he had felt relief a few weeks ago, he walked over and pulled the razor from the cupboard under the sink. Pulling his t-shirt off and throwing it into the laundry basket, Ray turned the blade over in his hand, wondering where he could do it somewhere Neela wouldn't see.

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, his ribs visible due to his slightly emaciated frame, due to the fact that he had barely eaten anything since the night his father had came; Ray lifted the blade to his chest with a steady hand, and dragged it across, watching as the crimson liquid, his life, flowed down his chest. He hissed in pain, but kept telling himself that he deserved it, that he should feel the pain that he had put Neela through.

Gathering up a wad of tissue, Ray pressed it to his chest, steaming the blood flow. After a few minutes, and a few more wads of tissue, Ray had stripped the rest of the way and jumped into the shower, feeling the cut on his chest burning as the water pounded over his body.

He heard the sound of the front door closing, and guessed that Luka had left. Rinsing the suds from his hair and body, Ray let the water rain down on him as he thought about what he and Luka had talked about. His mind had flooded with memories, and he hated the fact that he was so weak.

Stepping out of the shower, Ray quickly got dried and dressed, his clothes having been brought in before Luka had turned up. He was wearing a pair of old, comfortable jeans, and a plain t-shirt. Opening the door, Ray seen that Neela was sitting on the couch, but she immediately got up and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him on the mouth, a gentle kiss which showed all of her love for him.

Pulling back from him, Neela took his hand and pulled him over to the couch with her. Sitting down, Ray beside her, Neela looked him in the eyes, her concern and love radiating through them so bright, that it scared Ray that he was hurting her, or at least he thought he was.

'Ray, I was talking to Luka, and we were thinking' Neela paused a moment, finding it hard to say what she wanted. She wanted to help Ray, but she didn't want him to think that she was giving up on him. Continuing, she said, 'We think you need professional help, like a therapist who can help you through this'

Looking at Neela, Ray couldn't believe what she was saying. He didn't want anyone knowing, and she thought that he was going to tell a complete stranger.

When Ray didn't say anything, Neela placed her hand on his arm, and was shocked when he jerked it away from her, an angry, but more hurt look emitting from his eyes.

Pulling back, Ray stood up, and crossing his arms across his chest, Ray looked at her as she stood up too, and took a step towards him as she said,

'Ray, we only want to help you'

Laughing a humourless laugh, Ray shook his head and looked at Neela with tears in his eyes and said in a strained voice,

'No, you wanna 'fix' me like some broken toy…I told you I can't, why can't you just drop it'

Walking to his room, and not his and Neelas, she noted, Neela watched as he slammed the door shut, obviously upset. Pushing back her own tears, Neela walked over to his room and opened the door without knocking, and saw that he was lying on the bed with his back to the door.

Walking over, Neela sat on the bed beside him, watching as a tear rolled down his cheek and onto the pillow. Reaching her hand out to cup his cheek, Neela sighed when he tried to turn away from her and placed her hand on his shoulders, stopping his movements as she said,

'Will you just listen to me?'

Moving over on the bed so Neela had more room, Ray looked at her, not saying anything, but his face showing her that he was listening.

'I don't want to 'fix' you, I want to help you. You can't talk to us, so it might be easier talking to someone you don't know, someone that you don't have to see everyday?'

Biting the inside of his lip as he tried to stop his tears, Ray looked up at her as he said in a quiet, strained voice,

'I just wanna be back to normal'

Lying down beside him, Neela pulled Ray so that his head was resting on her chest, hers arms wrapped around him as he cried, exhausted and upset by the days events. Running her hand through his hair, Neela pulled him closer to her, wanting to have him in her arms, protect him from everything that she could.

* * *

**O.K, what did you think? Please review and let me know, because I always take into account what you say, and I love hearing from you!**

**Reviews are my drug and I need a fix!**


	9. Someone Like You

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* * *

**

O.K, first off I want to say a big sorry for not updating this in ages, but I had some much stuff going on with school, coupled with writers block and it doesn't really make a good mix. But thanks to a much needed push from Ocean of Ashes you are now getting the next chapter of "Bend and Not Break". I hope that you enjoy it! And also, I want to thank those who reviewed the last chapter:

**Siddika, modscho, butterflyswest, IrishPixie82, Updates-Please and last but not least, Ocean of Ashes. **

**The lyrics at the start of this chapter are from "Great Escape" by Pat Monahan. And also, the street name is made up as I don't know any.**

* * *

**Chapter Nine - Someone Like You**

_And I need you  
Everybody needs someone like you  
If you need me too  
You would be the only thing that I'd take  
On my great escape_

* * *

Ray was sitting at the kitchen table, his eyes staring forward as he rested his face in his hands. Today was the day that he was going to see the therapist that Neela had phoned earlier in the week, an appointment being made too soon for Rays liking. The only thing that he knew about the therapist was that he had been working in the profession for the past twenty odd years. Of course whether or not the therapist was a man or a creature with three heads and five arms made no difference to Ray, he was scared out of his mind and didn't want to go…not that he would tell Neela that. She had been so pleased that she had got an appointment so soon; hoping that this was a step in the right direction for Ray, but the truth was he wasn't so sure. He had talked briefly with Luka and that hadn't helped, he had tried talking to Neela about it countless of times and they all ended the same way, him sobbing into her chest, just as scared and ashamed about what had happened as he was before.

Looking up when he heard the bathroom door opening, Ray smiled at Neela as he made her way over to him, cupping his cheek in her hand and leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on his lips. Pulling back, she ran a hand through his hair and said,

"How you feeling?"

Looking at her with a smile, Ray said in what he hoped was a cheery voice,

"Good"

Sitting down in the seat beside him, Neela pulled her chair so that she was closer to Ray and took his hand in her own, dark skin covering light as he cupped his hand in her own, stroking the back of his wrist lightly with her thumb as he spoke,

"Good, I'm glad that you are Ray" Pausing, she tried to think how to continue before saying, "But I want you to know that just because you go and talk to somebody about what happened, then I don't expect you to be better right away, or all the time for that matter"

Nodding his head in response, Ray gave her a sad smile as he put his other hand on top of hers.

"I also want you to know that if you want to talk to me then you can, I'm still here for you…I love you and I want to help you"

Smiling, Ray leaned forward and kissed her, cupping her cheek with his hand, his thumb running gently over her cheek as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. Pulling back breathless, Neela leaned her forehead against Rays as she said with a small smile of her own,

"We should get going if we're going to make it on time"

* * *

Neela and Ray where sitting in the back of a taxi, deciding that it would be a better means of transport than the EL and at least this way they could ensure that they were brought to the front door, neither being one hundred percent sure on the exact location of the building. Ray was looking out the window, lost in his own thoughts when he felt Neela slip her hand into his and give it a small squeeze, his face turning to look at her with a smile before leaning over and placing a gentle kiss on the lips.

"Where are you going to go for an hour?" Ray asked. Neela wasn't coming to this session, but he wondered where exactly she was planning on going. He didn't want her sitting bored out of her mind all day, but he also knew that if he felt the presence of her close to the room then it would be easier, but he didn't want to sound selfish and so he didn't ask her to stay.

"Probably just go and get a coffee in the cafeteria and catch up on some reading" She said with a grin as she pulled a Cosmopolitan magazine from her bag. Nodding his head, Ray let his gaze travel back to the window, watching the stream of cars, buildings and people pass him by in a blur, the taxi coming to a halt sooner than he thought.

Opening the door after paying the driver, Ray held the door open for Neela and helped her out, still holding onto her hand as the taxi pulled away. Looking up at the sign that read, "_**Boland Medical Centre**_", Ray took a deep breath and then stepped forward, Neela falling in step with him as they made their way to the front door and inside, noting how small it was, only a few other people sitting in the chairs outside the one room.

Walking up to the desk, Ray smiled slightly at the elderly woman behind the desk, who had greying hair and appeared to be in her early forties. She looked up at him and said in a soft voice, a smile on her own face,

"How can I help you?"

Looking at Neela briefly, who gave him a reassuring smile, and then turning his attention back to the woman behind the desk, who he then answered by saying,

"Am, I have an appointment to see Dr. Mills…Ray Barnett" He watched as she typed his name into the computer, her blue eyes scanning the screen quickly before she looked at him with a smile and said,

"O.K, if you'd like to take a seat over there, he shouldn't be too long"

Nodding his head, Ray walked over and sat down, Neela taking a seat beside him and taking his hand in hers. Looking around the room, Ray looked at Neela when he felt her hand on his cheek, and smiled at her.

"After here if you feel like it we could go out to a movie or something?" Neela didn't want Ray to think that when he left all he had to look forward to was going home and probably dwelling on whatever it was they had talked about. She had briefly spoke to Dr. Mills and he had suggested to her that they should just go on like normal, that trying to make Ray talk all the time wasn't the best option, it would probably make him want to bottle up even more.

Smirking, Ray said,

"Even if it's scary…because I know what you're like" He laughed at the look on her face as she said,

"Not all of them", and that comment just received a disbelieving look from him before he said with a small nod of his head and a bright smile,

"Sure, that sounds good"

Leaning her head against his shoulder as the minutes ticked by, both stuck in their own little world, Ray having lifted a magazine from the small coffee table in front of him and flipping through it, Neela flipping through the magazine that she had brought herself. Soon, both were pulled from what they were doing when Dr Mills walked out and said with a warm voice and a soft smile,

"Ray Barnett"

Ray looked up and set the magazine back down, giving Neela a small smile before walking over to Dr Mills, the other man extending his hand towards Ray, who took it, and gave it a quick shake before saying,

"Come on in"

Walking in, Ray sat down on the sofa that Dr Mills indicated to and watched as the other man took his own seat in a large leather chair. Dr Mills was a man of about six foot three in height and he had slightly greying hair, although his face would cause anyone to debate his age, which was in fact mid forties, but he only looked late thirties. He wore a black shirt and a pair of grey trousers, looking very professional and smart, and when he spoke it was with a friendly and polite tone.

"Well Ray, I'm Roger Mills and I'm going to be your therapist for as long as you need me" He smiled at Ray before adding, "And please, call me Roger, no formalities needed in here"

Ray smiled as he nodded his head in response, actually finding that he liked Roger. He had thought that he was going to be a pretentious pain in the ass that was going to spout a lot of crap to Ray about his feelings and be very straight and narrow. Roger seemed to be using a more friendly approach, and Ray would be lying if he said he didn't find it comforting.

"So, your girlfriend, Nina?"

"Neela" Ray said with a smile, remembering that she was just outside and the plans that they had for the night. He pushed them back however, knowing that he had to focus on what they were discussing or else he wouldn't be giving himself any chance at getting better.

"Yes, Neela, she told me what happened…and I want you to know from right now that it isn't anything that you should be embarrassed or ashamed about"

Ray shifted in his seat and pulled at the cuff of the jacket that he was wearing, feeling uncomfortable all of a sudden. O.K, so maybe this was going to be harder than he had just let himself think. Seeing the change in body language, Roger leaned forward slightly as he said,

"Is that how you feel Ray?"

Shrugging his shoulders as he avoided eye contact, Ray said in a quiet voice,

"I don't know…maybe, sometimes"

Roger noted something down on his jotter before looking at Ray and asking,

"Why do you feel like that?"

Ray looked at Roger and blinked a few times, he mouth opening to say something but shutting again before he finally said,

"Because…I let it happen…I shouldn't have let it happen" Ray looked down at his hands in his lap before looking back up at Roger, who had an unreadable expression on his face as he continued to write on his jotter, obviously commenting on everything that Ray said and did.

"But you didn't let it happen Ray, your father made it happen"

Ray looked at Roger with a slightly confused face, not really understanding what he had meant with his statement. Sensing this, Roger then said,

"What I mean is Ray, just because you couldn't stop him doesn't mean that you didn't try" Pausing a moment, he asked, "You'd just been released from the hospital a few days after an incident with you're father, isn't that right?"

Ray nodded his head, his mind flashing back to the moment that his father had stabbed him and the feeling of fear that had rushed through his veins as he lay in the alley.

"Yeah" Ray said as he looked back at Roger, his eyes meeting his for a brief moment before looking back down again.

"Was this the only time he had ever done anything to you?" Roger asked as he set his jotter down and leaned his elbows on his thighs, his hands cupped together as he looked at Ray with sympathetic eyes.

Shaking his head, Ray choked out the word "No", before crossing his arms over his chest, a defensive mechanism that he had adopted since he was younger.

"What had he done to you Ray?"

Ray shrugged his shoulders as he looked out the small window, trying to stop Roger from seeing the tears that were beginning to well up in his eyes.

"Just stuff…he just…"Ray trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence. He hated the fact that he could remember every touch and every word that his father had said to him each and every time he had even done something.

Moving from his seat to the small coffee table that sat between him and Ray, Roger placed his hand warily on Ray's knee, causing the younger man to look at him, the tears that were welling up in his eyes visible to him. In a soft and compassionate voice he said,

" I know this is probably the ten thousandth time that you've heard this, but it helps by talking…getting things off your chest is the best way to deal with something, trust me" He added the last part with a small smile, earning one from Ray as he slouched down slightly in the chair, looking at Roger.

"He would never have done that before she died you know" Ray said, "Never did. I was the one who killed her" Ray stopped and took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he remembered the look of his mother as she lay beside him in the chair. Opening them again, he forced out in a choked voice that sounded slightly like a strangled sob, "that's how it's my fault"

Shaking his head, Roger said quickly,

"What happened to your mother wasn't your fault, and that's the first thing that you have you realise. What happened was a terrible accident and it had nothing to do with you, even if you were driving"

* * *

Outside in the waiting room, Neela was sitting in the same chair, flipping through her magazine. She was constantly looking at her watch to check the time, growing annoyed at the fact that the minutes seemed to be dragging by. It wasn't because she wanted to leave, partially yes, but not out of selfishness from being bored waiting, but because she wanted to be at home with Ray, lost in each other and for at least one night not having to worry or think about the events of the past few weeks.

Sighing, she flipped through the pages again, her eyes lifting to look at the door every so often.

* * *

Back inside the room, Ray was sitting in the same position, listening as Roger spoke, having moved so that he was sitting on the chair beside Ray.

"So Ray, I think that the first thing we're going to have to work on is getting you to realise that what happened to both you _and_ your mother wasn't you're fault…because once you see that then this is going to be a lot easier for you to get through this"

Ray nodded his head as he let out a humourless laugh and said,

"You make it sound so easy"

Roger smiled at Ray as he said,

"Well, it will be at times, but at other times you're going to feel like crap and want to give up…but you can't because you have people who love you and who are here to help you"

Looking at his watch and seeing that the time was almost up, Roger patted Ray on the knee as he said,

"Well, I think that today was good, hard, but good. And until next week I want you to try and relax O.K, go out and have some fun"

Ray smiled and nodded his head in agreement, saying,

"I'll try", a hint of a laugh in his voice. Pushing himself up, Ray extended his hand to Roger, who shook it and said,

"Thanks"

Roger smiled as he shook his head and said,

"Hey, you're the one who done the sharing, I was just listening and being a helpful ear…and I will be the same time next week"

Ray laughed, sensing that Roger wasn't one who took flattery about his job, and made his way to the door, Roger following to call in his next patient. Walking out, he smiled at Neela as she lifted her head and practically jumped from the seat, taking his hand in hers.

Pushing the door open and stepping onto the street, Neela wrapped her free arm around Ray's waist as she stopped in front of him, looking up into his face to see if she could tell how he was feeling. Before she could ask however, Ray leaned down and kissed her, letting go of her hand so he could cup her cheek with his hands, rubbing his thumb over her cheek. Pulling back, he rested his forehead against hers as he said in a soft voice,

"How about we just rent something tonight and stay in…just us, nobody else"

Nodding in head, Neela kissed Ray once more before hugging him to her. Removing her arms from his waist, Neela took his hand and flagged down a taxi, climbing into it, Ray behind her.

* * *

It was two hours later and Ray and Neela were finally home, a Chinese take out and a rented DVD of "The Shinning" with them. Setting the take out on the counter in the kitchen, Neela got out plates as Ray set up the DVD. Turning to look at him, she smiled, not believing how much love she felt for one person. Setting the plates down, she walked over to where he was crouched and wrapped her arms around him from behind, kissing the side of his neck.

"Hey" Ray said as he turned his head to look at her with a smile, kissing her on the cheek. Neela hugged him tighter before standing back up and walking back to the kitchen, this time Ray watching her with a smile on his face.

Neela walked back to the living room, carrying two plates in her hands, Ray going and getting two beers from the fridge and sitting down beside Neela, handing one to her.

"Thanks" She said with a smile as she took it from him.

"You won't be saying that when this films over" Ray said with a laugh as he hit play on the remote, laughing at the look of horror on her face as the screen faded to black and the titles appeared on the screen.

* * *

The film was nearly over and Neela was lying with her back to the back on the sofa, her elbow propping her up as she looked at Ray. He was lying with his back to her chest, her other arm wrapped around his lean waist, his hand holding onto hers. Every time a scary part of the film had appeared, Neela had buried her face into the back of Ray's shoulder, causing him to laugh a little each time, her arm tightening its hold around his waist.

As the credits rolled, Ray moved to lift the remote and turn it off, but Neela stopped him with her arm, her nose nuzzling into his neck as she said,

"Leave it, it'll turn itself off"

Smiling, Ray settled back against her, and closed his eyes at the sensation of her breath tickling his neck as she breathed. They stayed like that for a few more minutes before Neela broke the silence, saying in a low voice,

"How did it go today?" she kissed his neck before looking down at him, watching his facial expression as he answered in an equally soft voice,

"Fine…it was good"

Neela smiled as she kissed his neck again, smiling into the kiss as she felt him unconsciously move his neck to give her more access, obviously enjoying it as much as she was. Pulling back, Neela said,

"You know that you can talk to me if you want to, right?" She wasn't pushing him into talking, but she wanted to let him know that he could if he felt that he needed to.

Turning to look at her, Neela arms now lying across his back as his own wrapped around her waist, Ray said with a smile,

"I know, but I don't…not today anyway" Leaning forward, he kissed her, smiling into the kiss as he felt her hand push its way under his loose t-shirt, running over the skin that she found.

Moving so that he was lying on his back and Neela was on top, her hands on his chest, Ray looked up at her as he said with a tender smile,

"I love you"

Neela felt the smile on her face grow wider, and even though she had heard him say those words before, every time that he did, and she could see the look in his eyes, she knew that it was true, her heart bursting with happiness. Leaning down, she kissed him tenderly before pulling back, her hand cupping his cheek as she said,

"I love you too"

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**And there we have it, Chapter 9! I hope that you all liked and please review and let me know what you think. I plan on taking this in a happier route now, so if you liked the bit at the end, you should be happy too!**


	10. I Just Can't Take It

**I guess an apology is the only way to start after such a long gap between updates…so here it is: I am so, so, so, sorry for not updating! I couldn't really think what I wanted to write and every time I tried it wasn't turning out how I wanted it to. But now I think I know the direction that I want to go in, so I am going to try and update more regularly. I want to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapters and read…thanks for sticking with me! **

**The lyrics from the start of the chapter are "These Bones" by Dashboard Confessional.**

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**Chapter Ten: I Just Can't Take It**

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_Lately I just can't shake it  
I count the days in seconds and minutes  
Hours and hours are subtle as shards of glass  
In the skin_

It was a few days since Ray's therapy session and he still hadn't talked to Neela about it like he had told her he would. Not that she wanted to push him to do something that he wasn't comfortable with, but Neela really wanted him to feel like he could talk to her about this, to know that she was there for him. She had tried to bring the subject up a few times, but each time Ray had either just abruptly changed the subject or else he had made some excuse to leave the room. She knew that she had to give him time, but sometimes she just wished that _she_ was the one who he was opening up to, and not some stranger. She had even gone as far as wishing that he had never went to the therapist before scolding herself for being so selfish. She wanted Ray to feel like he had before, and get back to the way they had been. And if that meant that he talked to someone else and sorted through his problems then so be it.

Turning over in bed, Neela smiled as she looked at Ray. He was turned toward her, his face an image of peacefulness as he slept. Reaching her hand out she gently ran her hand over his cheek, smiling wider when he turned his face towards her hand. Looking at the clock and seeing that she had to get up and get ready for work; Neela pushed down the covers and climbed out of bed.

"Where're you going?" Ray asked as he pushed himself up on his elbows, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he looked at Neela.

Getting her clothes from the wardrobe and laying them on the end of the bed, Neela looked at him with a frown as she said,

"I have work at ten"

"Oh…I could come with you if you want" Ray asked with a small smile. He hated the fact that Kerry still wanted him to stay off work until he was better, both physically _and_ mentally. He appreciated what they were doing for him, but sometimes he just wished that they would let him deal with it in his own way.

"No, you should get your rest. Maybe after work we can rent a movie and get a pizza?" Neela asked as she walked over and kissed him on the cheek.

Smiling up at her, Ray nodded his head as he said,

"Sure…although nothing cheesy this time", he added with a grin, remembering the last time she had picked the movie. He had been made to sit through "Dirty Dancing" and he swore to Neela that if she ever did it again he was going to play his stereo at full volume every night when she was sleeping for the rest of her life if she ever did it again.

"Very funny…then you can come and meet me and we'll pick one together" Neela said with a grin of her own before turning and walking to the bathroom.

Stepping into the shower she wished that Ray could be there. They hadn't slept together yet, and hadn't gotten further than heavy make out sessions since they had officially begun dating. Neela didn't want to push Ray to sleep with her just because they were going out and he thought that he should…she wanted it to be something they both wanted and at a time when they didn't have so much hanging over their heads.

Stepping out of the shower and drying off after she had washed her hair, Neela changed into her clothes and dried her hair off before walking back to the bedroom. Seeing that Ray had fallen asleep again, she leaned down and kissed her on the cheek before turning and making her way to the kitchen to get some breakfast before work.

* * *

It was noon when Ray finally woke up again, pushing the covers down and sighing when he saw the time. He hated the fact that Neela was in work and he wasn't…and had to laugh when he thought that. He never thought he would see the day when he would rather be standing in a busy ER with charts up to his elbows than lying in bed until the afternoon. Yawning, he pushed himself up and made his way to the kitchen, getting a drink of water. Just as he was about to go to the bathroom and get a shower the phone rang. Thinking that it was Neela, Ray smiled to himself as he made his way over to the couch and picked up the phone.

"Hello", he asked, expecting to hear Neela's voice on the other end of the line. Receiving no answer, Ray's brow furrowed as he repeated,

"Hello?", thinking that maybe the person on the other end of the line hadn't heard him. He was about to hang up when he heard the sound of someone breathing on the other end of the line, making his heart quicken in his chest, feeling as though it where kicking his chest from the inside. His palms began to sweating as he wondered who was on the other line.

He knew it was stupid and that it couldn't be, but he kept thinking that it was his father and this only aided in making him gulp for air.

Hitting the "_end_" button on the phone and letting it fall to the floor with a crash, Ray dropped to the sofa, his head in his hands, trembling, and tried to calm his breathing. After a few minutes he was breathing at a normal pace again and his heart had stopped racing, but his hands where still shaking as he bent down to pick up the phone. Setting it back in the cradle he walked to the bathroom and stopped in front of the mirror, his hands leaning on the sink as he studied his reflection.

He was pale and a thin film of sweat covered his forehead, his eyes brimmed with tears for something he had no reason to fear. He knew that his father was dead and that he couldn't hurt him…but then why did he had a full blown panic attack over someone on the phone who didn't even speak a single word.

Turning on the shower, Ray stripped down and jumped in, letting the water pound over him. He knew that this was something that he should tell Neela, or even Roger…but he knew that they would think he was stupid for panicking over stuff a stupid thing.

Getting dressed, Ray looked at the clock and saw that it was only four in the afternoon. Knowing that Neela wasn't home until six Ray grabbed his keys and left the apartment, deciding that a walk might be the best way to clear his mind.

* * *

Walking out of the doctor's lounge with her coat wrapped around her, Neela smiled at Abby and Luka as she said goodnight to them, happy to be going home. She had been thinking about Ray all day and couldn't wait to watch a movie with him, cuddled up on the couch like they always did.

Stepping out into the ambulance bay, a frown appeared on her face when she didn't see Ray. He had said that he was going to meet her at the end of her shift and she knew that she had told him what time she got off, so why wasn't he here? Pulling her cell phone from her pocket Neela called Rays number and put the phone to her ear. Her confusion soon turned to worry when he phone automatically went to answer machine. She knew that Ray never left the apartment without his phone, and if he was on his way to meet her then surely he would have it with him; and she was sure that the battery hadn't died as she had charged it the night before with her own.

Walking on a bit to see if he was just waiting around the corner, Neela was surprised that he wasn't. Thinking that maybe he had just forgotten, as he had been half asleep when she had said to him to meet her after work, Neela told herself not to worry.

_Probably still in the apartment wondering where I am! _Neela thought as she mounted the stairs to the EL. Rushing on just before it pulled off, Neela sat down in a seat, watching out the window and trying to keep the terrible thoughts of what might have happened to Ray out of her head.

* * *

Pushing her key into the lock, Neela let the door swing open and walked through as she called out,

"Ray!"

Closing the door behind her, she walked into the living room and set her back down, worried when he wasn't there. Checking the rest of the rooms in the apartment, her worry rising as each room that she opened were dark and empty, Neela rushed back to the living room.

Seeing Ray's phone sitting on the coffee table, something she had missed the first time she had walked in, Neela realized that he had left without it. The tears which had been brimming in her eyes as she worried what might have happened; Neela picked up the phone and called Abby at work.

"Hello, Abby Loc-", Abby began, but she was cut off by Neela as she frantically asked,

"Abby, is Ray there…did Ray come to the ER?"

"No, why is something wrong is he hurt?" Abby asked, concern evident in her own voice, hearing the chocked sound of Neela's.

"I don't know Abby…he was supposed to meet me after work and he didn't…and you know how he's been the past few weeks, he hasn't been dealing with this…what happens if he's done something Abby…" Neela asked, the tears falling down her cheeks as she collapsed into the sofa, the phone still pressed to her ear.

* * *

**OK, I hope that you liked this chapter…and that evil little cliffhanger! Will Ray be alright, or is he hurt? Please review and let me know what you think!**


	11. And Now You’re Dead Inside

**Well, after getting lots of nice reviews for the last chapter I thought that I would update nice and soon for all you lovely readers. As you will see, Ray is going to be a bit more OOC in this story, but I think that given the circumstances that is expected…so don't say I didn't warn you! And for all of you angst lovers out there, this story is going to become a treat for you all, angst galore! O.K, enough from me and on with the story! **

**Lyrics from the beginning of the chapter are "It's All Over" by Three Days Grace.**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: And Now You're Dead Inside**

* * *

_It's all over for  
You  
For you  
When you're on the edge and falling off  
It's all over for you  
For you  
When you're on the edge and falling off  
It's all over_

* * *

"_I don't know Abby…he was supposed to meet me after work and he didn't…and you know how he's been the past few weeks, he hasn't been dealing with this…what happens if he's done something Abby…" Neela asked, the tears falling down her cheeks as she collapsed into the sofa, the phone still pressed to her ear._

"He won't Neela, he'll be fine" Abby said trying to comfort her friend as best she could. But the reality was she was just as worried for Ray as Neela was. She knew that he wasn't coping with it from what Neela had told her, and she just wished that there was a way for her to help him.

Wiping at her eyes, Neela looked over at the picture of her and Ray that sat on the table beside the phone. It had been taken last Christmas, when Ray had been unable to go to Miami to be with his girlfriend…although he had told her that he was visiting family…something she had learnt Ray would never do. They were both standing outside in the cold ambulance bay, Neela in her green scrubs and Ray still wrapped up warm in his coat, scarf and hat. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulders and she had her arms around his waist, laughing as he pretended to dump snow over her for hitting him in the ass with a snowball for lying to her. Picking up the picture, she sighed as she said to Abby,

"But what if he has Abby…I don't know what I'd do without him"

Just as she was about to tell Abby that she was going to go out and try and find him, she heard the sound of a key turning in the lock. Jumping from the couch, the phone still pressed to her ear, Neela heard Abby still on the other end trying to get her attention,

"Neela, are you still there?"

The door opened and Ray stepped in, soaked from the rain that had begun to fall twenty minutes prior when Neela was still coming home.

"It's O.K, he's back Abby…I'll call you later" Neela said before ending the call, dropping the phone to the floor and rushing over to Ray, wrapping her arms around him as she cried,

"I was so worried"

* * *

**Three Hours Earlier**

_Getting dressed, Ray looked at the clock and saw that it was only four in the afternoon. Knowing that Neela wasn't home until six Ray grabbed his keys and left the apartment, deciding that a walk might be the best way to clear his mind._

Closing the door behind him Ray made his way down the stairs of the apartment building and out onto the street, turning left but not having a clue where he was even going. As he walked he kept thinking about how messed up his life had become over the past few weeks. Sure he and Neela had finally admitted that they liked, even loved, each other but he had wished that it could have been under different circumstances. At times he felt like he was keeping her stuck with him because she was afraid what he might do if she left him…and he hated himself for it.

And then there were the constant nightmares and flashbacks. He couldn't even get peace from everything when he was asleep anymore. What his father had done to him since he was sixteen years old was ruining his life and he didn't know if he could deal with it anymore.

_Thought that this walk was mean to __**clear **__my head…not make things worse_ Ray thought as he walked on down the street, pushing his hands into his pockets as the biting cold nipped at his skin.

Walking on for a while longer, his mind filled with memories, things he wished that he could just block out and never remember. He didn't even realize that he had walked down to Lake Michigan until he was standing right at it. Walking over to the railing and leaning on it, Ray looked out at the water, thinking about what his life might have been like at that very moment if his father had never shown up. Sometimes he was so tired of everything that he wished there was just a way to get out…to not have to deal with it anymore.

He had been standing there for over an hour when rain began to pour down, pulling him from his thoughts. Looking at his watch he cursed when he saw that it was after six and that Neela was probably on her way home now. Deciding that he would walk past the hospital and see if she was there before going home, Ray turned and began to make his way back.

He finally reached the apartment building about thirty minutes later, soaked head to toe and shivering. When he had saw that she wasn't there he had gone straight home, knowing that she might wonder why he hadn't met her at work like they had agreed to. Walking up the stairs he pulled his key from his pocket and pushed it into the lock, pushing the door open. Stepping in, he looked at Neela, her face covered in tears as she stood a few feet from the couch, the phone in her hand.

"It's O.K, he's back Abby…I'll call you later" Neela said before ending the call, dropping the phone to the floor before she rushed over to him and wrapped her arms around him.

"I've been so worried" Neela said as she held him tighter, feeling him wrap his arms around her as he rested his cheek on her hair.

"I'm sorry" Ray said in a low voice.

Pulling back from him, Neela wiped her hands over her eyes, drying the tears away as she asked,

"Where did you go?"

Walking past her and into the kitchen, his back to her, Ray said,

"Nowhere…"crossing his arms over his chest loosely, Ray turned and looked at her with sad, tired eyes as he added, "I'm sorry I didn't meet you after work"

Shaking her head, Neela walked over to him as she said,

"I don't care about that Ray…I care about the fact that you left the apartment, no phone, no coat…and you won't even talk to me about it" Her voice lowered as she said the last part, watching as he turned his face away from her.

Walking past her, Ray said quietly,

"I'm gonna take a shower", but was stopped when she put her hand on his arm, her eyes burning with tears, her worry for Ray growing more and more as he pushed her away and wouldn't let her in.

"No Ray, we have to talk about this…you obviously aren't dealing with it and I want you to talk to me"

Pulling his arm away from her, but she still held on, determined not to let him walk away from her this time, Ray looked at her as he said,

"I am dealing with it…just because I'm not doing what everyone else wants me to it doesn't…it doesn't mean that I can't handle it!" He shouted the last part, causing Neela to drop her hand from his arm. Ray had never once raised his voice to her…not even when they were just roommates and they were fighting.

Seeing the look of anguish on Neela's face, knowing that it was him that caused it, Ray lowered his eyes as he said in a soft voice,

"I'm dealing with it" before turning and walking to the bathroom, leaving Neela to look after him with tears in her eyes. Sitting down on the couch, Neela held her head in her hands, wondering what she could do to help Ray if he wouldn't let her.

Closing the bathroom door, Ray pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes, feeling the burning moisture that was threatening to spill over. He was fed up crying over this whole stupid thing…and he hated the fact that it was beginning to cause him to change. He would never have yelled at Neela before, ever, and he had just screamed at her for no reason.

Sitting on the edge of the bath, Ray leaned his elbows on his thighs, his head in his hands. After a few moments he stood and walked over to the sink, looking at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were red with tears, a few having made their way down his cheeks. He had the beginnings of dark rings under his eyes from the fact that he hadn't been sleeping well. Yes, he had been asleep, but he was never rested afterwards. Leaning down under the sink, Ray pulled out the razor like he had done so many weeks before.

_**XxXxX**_

_Slowly he stood up from his crouched position and lifted the blade up, turning it around in his hand, thinking of his next move, where would be the ideal place for him to give himself a relief from all of the stress. Looking down his reflection in the mirror he spotted the best place and slowly lowered the sharp razor down._

_As he drew the razor across his hipbone he let out a small hiss as he felt the stinging sensation, but put it to the back of his mind, it was worth it if doing this would give him a sense of control for once in his life._

_**XxXxX**_

He recalled the feeling of control and release that it had given him…sure it was only a temporary thing but it was better than nothing, right? Pulling his t-shirt over his head, Ray tossed it to one side before lifting the razor again. Dragging it across his chest, just below his collar bone, Ray watched as the blood ran down his chest and abdomen, catching in the denim of his jeans and soaking them with a light red hue. Tossing the razor into the sink, Ray grabbed a handful of toilet paper and pressed it against his chest, allowing it to soak up all of the blood. He had to do this a few more times before the bleeding had fully stopped and then he pulled his t-shirt back on.

Opening the bathroom door, Ray walked past the living room, not in the mood for talking and into his old room.

"Ray" Neela called as soon as she saw him opening the bathroom door, surprised that he hadn't showered like he said he was going to, although she hadn't heard the water running and guessed that he just hadn't gotten in yet. When he didn't answer her, nor did he look at her, an expression of hurt and sadness painted across his face, Neela stood from the couch and walked after him.

Pushing the door to his room open, Neela saw that he was sitting on the bed facing the window with his back to her, his head lowered. Walking over and sitting beside him, her hand reaching out to touch him but pulling back, afraid that he would just leave again, Neela said in a soft voice,

"Ray…I want to help you and it scares me that you won't let me"

Getting no response from him, Neela leaned forward and tried to look at his face, to see if it would give any indication as to how he was feeling at that moment. However, he just turned his head away from her, too exhausted to run this time.

Moving so that she was kneeling in front of him, Neela took his hands in her own, feeling him tense up as she did. Looking at him, she said,

"Ray I just want you to tell me what's wrong…why can't you talk to me?"

Turning to look at her, Ray just simply shrugged his shoulders and sighed as he said in a voice just above a whisper,

"I don't know…I want to, but I…" pulling his hands from her, Ray buried his face in his hands, feeling the lump in his throat growing.

Moving so that she was sitting on the bed beside him once more, Neela wrapped her arms around him, leaning down so that her mouth was just by his ear. Whispering, she said,

"Why did you leave today…did something happen?"

Nodding his head, Ray squeezed his eyes closed as tight as he could, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall.

"What happened Ray, you can tell me" Neela said as she put one hand under his chin and lifted his face so he was looking at her. Her heart broke when she saw the pool of tears in his eyes and the way his lip and chin was quivering, trying not to cry.

"I just can't stay in this apartment everyday anymore…it's driving me crazy…All I do is…sit here and…think about it…all day" He choked out, a few tears falling down his cheeks as he did.

Pulling him to her, Ray wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her shoulder, Neela ran her hand over his back, trying to comfort him as she said,

"I'll talk to Kerry tomorrow and see if you can work a few shifts a week, that way you won't have to be here all the time"

Neela felt him nod his head as he shifted in her embrace, still crying as she held him, trying as best she could to make him better.

* * *

Knocking on the door to Kerry's office, Neela heard the older woman's voice as she called out,

"Come in!"

Pushing the door open, Neela offered a small smile to the Chief of Staff. Upon seeing that it was Neela, Kerry had stood from her seat and offered the younger woman a smile as she said,

"Hello Neela, please take a seat"

Sitting down in front of the desk, Neela looked at Kerry, whose face had a serious demeanor, as if she knew what, or rather who, Neela had came to talk about.

"I was wondering if Ray could be put on a few shifts a week?" she asked simply, knowing there was no point in skirting around the subject.

Kerry, who hadn't seen Ray since the day that his father had died, but had been informed of how he was doing regularly, looked at Neela was a curious gaze as she asked,

"Do you feel that he's ready for that yet?"

"Well, he says that sitting at home all day is just making him think about what happened…and I don't think that's really helping him deal with it any more than if he was at work"

Nodding her head, Kerry stood up and closed the door to her office, not wanting anyone listening in on the conversation. Sitting back in her seat, Kerry looked at Neela with a sympathetic smile as she said,

"I can see where you're coming from…but I don't know if that's really best for him. He can't ignore the fact that his father raped him by throwing himself into work, he has to deal with it properly"

Nodding her head in agreement, Neela replied,

"I know, and I don't want him to. I was suggesting maybe two shifts a week when either me, Luka or Abby is on shift…we can keep an eye on him and make sure he's alright"

Leaning back in her chair as she considered this, Kerry looked at Neela, the younger woman having a pleading look on her face.

"We'll see how it goes…but if he isn't coping with it and if he isn't then he'll have to get help coping with it so he is able to work" She trailed off, knowing that if Ray wasn't dealing then there were other a few other ways that they could help him.

Standing from her seat, Neela shook Kerry's hand and smiled at her as she said,

"Thank you Dr. Weaver…this means a lot to me that you're doing this for Ray"

Smiling herself, something Kerry Weaver rarely did in front of her co-workers, knowing that she had an image to up keep, one that kept them hard working, Kerry replied,

"He's a great young man, and I don't want to see him lose anything over this"

Leaving the office, Neela was glad that Kerry had agreed to let Ray work a few shifts a week. She just prayed that he would finally start to deal with everything and they would be able to live their lives without so much hanging over them.

* * *

**AN: Well, I hope that you enjoyed this long chapter…and please let me know what you think!**


	12. Drown

**Thanks to all of the lovely people who read and reviewed the last chapter of "Bend and Not Break". I was glad to see that you all liked it…and so I have another chapter for you! This chapter is going to focus more on the friendships of Luka/Ray and Abby/Ray, as I think that I haven't included them in enough of the previous chapters to show how they are going to help Ray cope with what happened to him.**

**The lyrics from the beginning of this chapter are "Drown" by Three Days Grace.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen – Drown**

* * *

_Good morning day  
Sorry you're not here  
But all those times before  
Were never this unclear  
It's hard to walk when you can't even crawl  
Once I had this world, but now I've lost it all_

* * *

It was Ray's first shift since Kerry had agreed to let him work a few shifts a week and Ray would have been lying if he said he wasn't nervous. He wasn't nervous so much about actually working, but more about what his colleagues would think. He had been off a long time, longer than someone would normally take for the death of a loved one, although the though of referring to his father as a loved one made Ray want to be sick. He wasn't ready for all of the questions and just hoped that the day would be busy enough to stop people from asking anything. Ray was going to work on his own for his first shift, Neela having the day off. She had insisted on getting her shifts changed so that her and Ray would be together, but he knew that she had been working hard and told her not to.

Walking through the doors to the ER, Ray saw that it was swamped and smiled to himself. He couldn't believe how much he missed this place, when only a year ago he would have done anything to be working less shifts at County so he could get away to play a gig in a club somewhere. Walking straight to the lounge Ray opened his locker and put his coat in, exchanging it for his crisp white lab coat. Swinging his stethoscope over his neck, Ray heard the door of the lounge open.

"Ray!" Abby said, walking over to him and pulling him into a quick hug. She wasn't normally one for displays of affection in public, but after the phone call that she had received from Neela a few nights before she too had been worried about Ray.

Running a hand over his neck, Ray smiled at Abby as she walked over to the counter and asked,

"Coffee?" holding up two cups.

"Sure" He said with a smile, sitting down on the couch. He, Abby and Neela had slowly become good friends over the course of their year as Interns, and Ray was glad to say that their friendship still remained and only got stronger.

Sitting down beside him when she was done, Abby looked at him with a smile as she asked,

"So, first day back?" taking a drink from her own cup as Ray did the same before answering,

"Yeah…I see I picked a good day to come back too" He said with a soft laugh, indicating to the packed waiting room. Seeing her roll her eyes in frustration and let out a small groan, Ray laughed again as she replied,

"I know…this place is never quiet…except the days that I'm off"

Nodding his head, Ray took another drink of his coffee before saying with a smile,

"Thanks for the coffee, but I guess I should actually do some work now" a grin on his face as he stood and left the lounge, leaving Abby looking after him. He didn't know that when Neela had phoned her the same night that Ray had came back that she had told her everything…how he reacted to her asking him what was wrong. She had told Abby not to mention it to him, knowing that he would be angry that she had told her but also wanting Abby to keep an eye on him.

Setting her own cup in the sink, Abby fixed her lab coat before leaving the lounge and making her way back into the madhouse that was the ER.

"O.K, can you just follow my finger" Ray asked the young woman to do as he assessed her injuries. She was a cheerleader and had fallen off the top of a pyramid in school and had hit her head. Satisfied that she didn't have a concussion after running a few more tests, Ray was stitching the cut that she had on her forehead.

"You'll just need a few stitches but other than that you're fine" Ray said as he began pulling his gloves on as Chuny set up the suture kit for him.

"Oh no, will it scar?" The teenager asked with tears in her eyes. God, Ray sometimes wondered how he had ever dated cheerleaders back in high school! Offering her a small smile he looked at her as he replied,

"No, just a bit of discoloration for a while and then it should fade"

After he had finished the suturing, Ray thanked Chuny and signed the discharge papers for the young girl. Walking over to admit he set the chart back in the rack before picking up another one and reading it.

"Ray"

Ray jumped slightly, turning around to see that it was only Luka, the older man looking at him weirdly, one eyebrow raised slightly, but Ray just smiled at him as he ran a hand over the back of his neck, pretending that his heart hadn't nearly ripped from his chest with shock.

"Need something?" Ray asked politely, hoping to play down his reaction. He didn't know why he was so jumpy or what he expected to happen.

"Yeah, could you help with a hip dislocation in trauma 2?" Luka asked, walking down the hall as Ray nodded his head in reply, setting his chart down and following Luka.

* * *

It was a few hours later, the end of his shift and Luka walked into the lounge, surprised to see Abby there. Walking over to her and wrapping his arms around her, he asked,

"Are you not supposed to be home now?"

Shaking her head, she raised her eyes to meet his as she replied with a sigh,

"Nope, Morris swapped shifts with me so I would be on with Ray…although I told him it was so we could go out this weekend" She added with a smirk. Morris was the easiest to manipulate…mostly because the redhead believed anything you would tell him if you could be convincing enough.

Letting her out of his embrace and taking his lab coat off to replace it with his long black winter coat, and looked around the lounge to make sure that they were the only one's there before saying,

"Speaking of Ray, don't you think he's been a little vacant today?"

Pouring her cup of coffee down the sink after tasting it, Abby looked at Luka as she said,

"I don't know, it is his first day back…maybe he's just readjusting. He was off for a long time"

Nodding his head, Luka pulled his scarf and gloves on, seeing the rain that was pouring down outside. Closing his locker door he said,

"I don't know but don't you think it was as if he had too many things going on in his head at once…too many eggs in one bucket"

Smirking at his muck up, Abby walked over to Luka and looked at him as she said,

"Basket Luka, its basket"

Sending her a mock glare, Luka kissed her on the cheek before saying,

"O.K, but he hasn't stopped all day, I don't even think he's taken a break yet"

Nodding her head in agreement, Abby herself having only seen Ray not working once and that was when they had been talking in the morning, looked at Luka with a somber face as she said,

"O.K, I'll keep an eye on him and try and talk to him…see how he is"

Smiling, Luka kissed her before making his way out of the ER, knowing it was best to get out fast when your shift had ended in case you got sucked back in for another twelve hours of hard work and bad coffee.

* * *

It was another three hours before Abby saw Ray again, standing at the admit desk with another chart in his hands. He had changed into a pair of scrubs throughout the day, obviously by cause of one of his patients, and hadn't seen her coming over. Just as she was about to ask him to go and get coffee, and to make an attempt at talking to see how he was feeling, a trauma pulled up, Pratt calling them both to help,

"Ray, go to the trauma room and set up, Abby, you come with me"

Sighing, Abby jogged out as she thought, _so much for talking to Ray._

Helping push the gurney in, a man in his early fifties who had taken a server MI, Abby helped Pratt and Ray transfer him from one gurney to the next, other doctors and nurses in the room getting ready with the equipment.

"Abby start a line, Ray, you tube him, he needs an airway" Pratt called out as he started getting vitals on the patient.

"Ray! Tube him!" Pratt shouted, grabbing Abby's attention. She had been busy working on getting a line inserted into the veins, which was proving tricky, that she hadn't even noticed Ray.

His face was pale and he was just staring down at the man on the gurneys face, as though he had seen a ghost. She could see the quick rise and fall of his chest and the way he was swallowing, obviously trying to steady his own breathing. Looking at him she said in a quiet voice,

"Ray", knowing that something was obviously wrong. His eyes looked up at her for a moment before looking at Pratt. Dropping the tube back onto the gurney, Ray shook his head and said,

"I'm sorry…I…"before leaving the trauma room, leaving an angry Pratt and a concerned Abby.

"Don't…go after he's stable" Pratt said as Abby made to go after Ray. He didn't know what was wrong with Ray but he wasn't going to let a patient die on the table over something trivial.

After the patient was stabilized and going up to surgery Pratt and Abby where left standing in the trauma room.

"What was all that about?" Greg asked as he looked at Abby, referring to what had happened earlier.

"I don't know" Abby said, although she was fairly certain she knew what had happened after thinking about it.

Walking out of the trauma room Abby made her way to the lounge, checking to see if Ray was there. Walking in she saw that it was empty and could hear the sound of the rain as it hit off the window pane, pouring down from the sky. Knowing that there was only one other place that anyone went when they wanted time to themselves she grabbed her coat and pulled it on, getting Ray's from his locker, knowing the combination, the dates of his and Neela's birthdays.

Going up to the roof and pushing the door open, she saw Ray, sitting on the ground with his arms wrapped around his shins. He was soaked by the rain, but obviously didn't care. Walking over to him she sat down beside him and handed him his coat as she said,

"Put this on, you're soaked", her voice filled with concern. She always felt motherly towards him in some ways and hated seeing him like this.

Taking the coat from her Ray pulled it on, although he was still shivering from the cold after sitting up there for so long.

"I'm sorry", he said in a quiet voice, so low she could barely hear him over the sound of the rain as it hit off the roof.

"Don't be…just tell me why you nearly had a full blown panic attack down there", she said as she reached out and put a hand on his knee.

Shrugging his shoulders Ray looked down, feeling tears forming in his eyes as he said,

"He just…he looked just like him, and it was the same thing…I just-" Ray cut off, putting his head in his hand as images of the man on the gurney and his father flashed through his mind.

"Maybe you should go home Ray" Abby said gently, putting her hand around his bicep.

Lifting his head up to look at her, Ray shook his head as he said quickly,

"No, I'm fine…I just needed…she'll say to Weaver that I need more time off, I can't sit in that apartment any longer…just don't, please, don't tell her"

Abby felt her heart break at the sight of tears in Ray's eyes. She had never seen Ray cry before, and now she wasn't sure if it was the rain soaking his face or his tears. Hesitating a moment, Abby looked at him before she said,

"Ray, I can't do that…you know we just want to help you"

Closing his eyes, Ray leaned his head back against the wall as he said in a soft voice,

"You're going to tell Kerry too, aren't you?"

"Yes, she wanted to know how you were coping…you're not coping Ray and we want to help you"

Resting his head on his knees and wrapping his arms around his shins, hating the fact that he wasn't going to be allowed to work again until _they _had decided he was coping with it. In his own mind he was dealing with it, in his own way…but they couldn't see that. Lifting his head up, Ray was going to get up and go back to work, but stopped when Abby said his name.

She knew that he would be worse if she made him go home when he obviously didn't want to, and that it would also cause more suspicion on the ER, something he really didn't need at the minute. Knowing that they were both off at the same time Abby said,

"Ray, I won't say anything to Neela until after your shifts over, mine ends then too. But I want you to take a break, come and get some coffee with me…you've been working mad all shift"

Nodding his head, Ray bit his lip before looking at Abby and saying,

"Thanks"

Giving him a small smile, Abby pulled him into a hug, feeling him shivering from the cold. Closing her eyes, she ran her hands up and down his back, trying to comfort as best she could.

* * *

**O.K, I hope that you liked this chapter…and I know there was no Neela in this one but she will be in the next, so don't worry! Please review and let me know what you think.**


	13. Feeling Nothing

**O.K, first off I want to say a huge sorry for not updating any of my stories for so long. But real life got in the way, especially school and tests, and so I couldn't sit down and write like I wanted to. But now that I am free from school, always a good thing, I will try to get all of my stories updated more frequently. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with this story so far, and I hope that this chapter doesn't disappoint. **

**I was going to say that Ray may be out of character in this chapter, but considering the subject matter of the story I don't really think there is a way that he should be acting. **

**Lyrics for this chapter are from "Issues" by Sick Puppies.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen – Feeling Nothing**

_Turn the page  
I've been hiding,  
Drowning,  
I've been running,  
Starving,  
I've been feeling nothing_

* * *

Ray and Abby were sitting in a booth in a greasy spoon diner that was down the street slightly, drinking coffee, although Ray wished that it was something stronger. Abby had told Luka what had happened while Ray was changing into a pair of scrubs, his clothes soaked from the rain, and Luka had said that they should both go on a break. Of course Abby hadn't told Ray about her talk with Luka, she knew that wouldn't go down to well with him at the moment and didn't want to upset him any further than he already was. Looking at him she felt her heart break. He looked exhausted, dark rings under his eyes, and he was a lot thinner. She knew that Neela had said that the fact that he wasn't dealing with it, that he was trying to pretend it had never happened, was beginning to take toll on him physically, but she hadn't noticed until just then. Looking at him at that moment she realized how young he looked, and it made what he was going through all the worse. He was staring out the window at the rain that was falling, and she wandered what it was that was going through his head. No doubt it was about his father, Neela and the fact that they thought he wasn't coping with everything. Seeing him looking so broken, Abby felt the motherly urge in her to comfort him, and reached across the table, setting her hand on top of his.

Jumping slightly at the contact, lost in his own thoughts, Ray turned his head towards Abby, a sad smile on his face.

"Hey…zoned out for a minute there" Abby said with a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood slightly.

"Sorry, I was just thinking…" Ray trailed off, Abby squeezing his hand slightly. Glancing at the clock on the wall, Ray looked back at Abby as he said,

"We should probably be getting back anyway…I don't think Luka will appreciate it if we stay here for the rest of the shift"

Just as Ray made a move to get up, Abby said suddenly,

"No!" Earning a puzzled look from Ray at her sudden outburst. Smiling at him, trying to cover up what she had just done, Abby said, "It's fine, we can stay a bit longer…I'll get us another coffee"

This time it was Ray who stopped Abby from getting up from the table as he said in a low voice,

"You told him" referring to Luka. He knew that County was usually busy on nights with bad weather, the homeless trying to find a reason to come inside for the warmth, and so Luka wouldn't want to be down two residents.

Sitting back down, Abby went to reach for Ray's hand, taken aback when he pulled his hand away from her, and said,

"Honey, I was just trying to help"

Going through everything in his mind, the fact that Luka might have told Neela or even Kerry, that they might not want him to work for longer, all of the endless scenarios that were flashing through his mind, Ray said in a whisper, his eyes looking at the table and not Abby,

"You said you wouldn't say anything"

Feeling terrible that she had betrayed Ray's trust, and at a time when he needed it the most, Abby bit her lip before saying,

"I know…but I want to help you Ray, you're not-", before she could even finish, Ray cut her off as he half shouted, drawing the attention of a few of the other diners in the café,

"Don't say I'm not coping!"

Standing up, and ignoring Abby's plea for him to sit back down, Ray walked to the door and out onto the street, immediately getting soaked by the rain as it began to fall heavier than it had been. Walking out behind him, Abby shouted after him,

"Ray, will you come back here please!" as she watched him making his way back to the hospital.

Turning around to look at her, Ray took a step onto the road, hoping that if he was in the hospital then maybe she would drop the subject, as he said,

"Abby, I'm fine"

Of course he didn't see the car coming around the corner, although Abby did, rushing forward and grabbing his arm, pulling him to her as the car drove past it's horn blaring at Ray. Feeling her own heart thundering in her chest, knowing that if she had been just one second slower...she didn't even want to think about it. Not letting go of Ray's arm, Abby looked at him with sympathetic eyes as she stated,

"You're not fine Ray"

Letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding, feeling his heart returning to it's normal pace, Ray turned his head away slightly as he said in a defeated tone, his voice barely above a whisper,

"I know"

Back in the ER, Ray was sitting in the lounge waiting for Abby. She had told him to wait there while she went and did something, not telling him what it was. Although he had a pretty good idea he knew from the look on her face when she said it. He knew that he couldn't argue with her after what had happened outside. She was probably going to tell Weaver that he had tried to do walk out in front of the damn car on purpose…although with the way he was feeling at the moment, and what he knew was coming he didn't think that was such a bad idea.

Walking over to Luka, Abby said in a hushed voice,

"Can I talk to you in private?" indicating to one of the empty exam rooms, knowing that it wasn't exactly a subject to be talked about in the middle of the admit desk.

Closing the door behind him, Luka watched Abby as she ran a hand through her hair before turning to face him as she said,

"He's not fine Luka…he's far from fine"

Nodding his head, Luka ran his hand over his neck as he said,

"Did he saw something to you?"

Shaking her head, Abby let out a humorless laugh as she said,

"I wish he had…it was more of what he didn't say. You can tell he just keeps thinking about what happened and it's eating away at him…he nearly got knocked down because he's so caught up in his thoughts about!" Abby half shouted, not able to get the image out of her head.

Eyes widening in shock, Luka walked over to Abby, putting his hands on her shoulders to calm her down as he said,

"Listen, I'll talk to Kerry, see what she suggests we do…you and Ray both go home"

Nodding her head, knowing that Ray would hate the fact that they were going behind his back, but also knowing that it was the only way to help him, Abby pulled Luka into a quick hug, kissing him gently on the lips before saying,

"O.K, I'll see you at home"

After Abby had left Luka had went up to Kerry's office, hoping that she would maybe know what to do. Knocking on the door to her office, Luka pushed the door open slightly, poking his head around the corner as he said,

"Can we talk?"

Nodding her head, Kerry set down the papers she had been looking at, and waited until Luka had shut the door to say,

"I take it this is about Ray?", although her voice had a somewhat sympathetic tone to it, something that many of the staff at County General never heard.

Taking a seat in front of Kerry's desk, Luka nodded his head as he said,

"Yes"

* * *

Pulling up outside Ray and Neela's apartment building, Abby turned her head to look at Ray. He was looking out the window, just as he had in the diner, and once again he was trapped in his own thoughts. Turning off the engine, Abby touched her hand to Ray's arm, getting his attention, and he turned to look at her.

"Listen Ray…I'm sorry that I-" Abby started, but Ray stopped her with a shake of his head as he said softly,

"Don't be…you were just trying to help…I'm the one who should be sorry for blowing up at you like that"

Smiling at him, glad that he wasn't mad at her, or at least he didn't appear to be, Abby pulled him into a hug. Not yet releasing him from the embrace, Abby said in a soft whisper,

"We just want to help Ray, and if you ever need to talk, you know you have me, don't you?" she paused a moment before asking, "Can I come up to the apartment?"

Ray knew exactly what that meant; she was going to tell Neela. As much as he wanted to say, _No, you can't, and you can't tell Neela either, _he knew that she would find out eventually. Of course after Neela found out he knew that it was going to get worse, and the thought made his head spin. Closing his eyes against the tears he felt pooling at the bottom of his eyes, Ray nodded his head, afraid to speak.

Pulling back slightly, Abby kissed Ray on the cheek before letting him out of her embrace and getting out of the car, knowing she couldn't say anything to make him feel any better.

"I'll call tomorrow and sort things out" Kerry said to Luka as folded her hands in front of her.

Nodding his head, not entirely sure about the whole thing, Luka asked,

"Are you sure about this Kerry; is it really the best thing?"

Nodding her head, Kerry replied,

"Yes Luka. He needs help and this is the only way that I can see him getting help"

* * *

**A/N – O.K, I hope that you liked it…and again, sorry for the lack of Neela, but she will be in the next chapter! And I bet a few of you may be wondering what Kerry is talking about, right? *evil laugh* **


	14. Lost and Lonely

**A/N - Thank you to everyone who read the last chapter and those of you who reviewed, I was glad to see that you liked it. I want to first say that there will only be a few more chapters of this story, maybe four or five. But that's just because I feel that this story is coming to an end and if I try to write it for much longer then I'm afraid that I might ruin it. **

**The lyrics from the start of this chapter are from "Lost and Lonely" by The Rasmus. **

* * *

_I watch as you sleep  
Your nightmares break the silence  
I can tell that you're in too deep  
_

**Chapter Fourteen – Lost and Lonely  
**

* * *

Pushing his key into the lock, Ray opened the door, the sound of The Clash filling the room. A smile graced his face for a moment at the thought, Neela a secret rocker at heart, before it fell away again, the reality of what was going to happen coming crashing down around him. Stepping aside and letting Abby in, Ray closed the door behind her.

The sound of the door clicking shut alerted Neela to his presence, and she turned from her seat on the couch to look at him, a smile on her face as she immediately stood and walked over to him. Looking at Abby, who she hadn't noticed at first, Neela's smile faltered slightly, her confusion setting in as she wondered what Abby was doing there.

"Hey Abby, what are you doing here?"

Glancing at Ray, whose eye's were cast downwards, Abby said,

"I just wanted to talk", knowing that Neela would know the reason behind her visit now, the worried look on her face showing just that. Looking up at Ray, Neela said in a soft voice,

"Ray…" hoping that maybe he would say something, convince her that what she was thinking was wrong. _Should I have let him get his own way and go back to work? Was it all too soon?_

Looking at her, Ray said flatly,

"I'm gonna take a shower" walking past her and dropping his coat over the back of the couch before going into the bathroom and locking the door, leaving Neela to look after him, her eyes burning with tears.

Swiping her hand across her eyes, Neela turned back to Abby as she asked,

"What happened?" sitting down on the couch, Abby beside her.

Abby told Neela the whole story, watching as Neela's face slowly crumpling and a few tears falling down her face.

"I thought that going back to work would help…getting back to normal, you know" Neela said as she wiped her hand across her eyes. Running her hand through her hair, she looked at Abby as she asked in a quiet voice,

"What I am supposed to do?"

Looking back to make sure that Ray wasn't coming, Abby looked at Neela as she blew out a breath and said,

"Luka's talking to Kerry. He's going to see what she thinks and then we'll go from there"

* * *

Closing the door behind him, Ray walked over to the sink, almost as if he was on autopilot, and pulled the razor from the cabinet out. Turning it over in his hand, watching the silver blades catch the light, Ray lifted it to his arm, drawing the blade across. He wasn't thinking, of course he wasn't. Neela would see what he had done…but he had to wonder if he wanted her to. Did he want her to see that he wasn't dealing with it, that it was eating him apart? Throwing the blade into the sink, Ray stripped his clothes off, leaving them in a pile on the floor.

Stepping into the shower, Ray put the water on as hot as he knew he could stand it, still feeling cold from sitting up on the roof in the rain for so long. Stepping under the warm spray, Ray closed his eyes as he let it wash over him, feeling himself burn all over as the warmth of the water made contact with his cool skin. Hearing the faint sound of Abby and Neela talking in the living room, but not being able to make out what it was they were saying, Ray felt tears burning the back of his eyes, both in shame for what he was putting Neela through and anger at himself. Pushing his fists into his eyes, Ray tried to stop the tears he didn't want to shed from falling, sliding down the wall of the shower cubicle as he realized that he had just destroyed the best thing he had.

There was no way that Neela would want to be with him anymore, and he knew that he would never find another woman he loved as much as he loved her. _Who can blame her though, I'm fucked up…she deserves better_

Hearing the sound of the front door shutting, guessing that Abby had just left, Ray pushed himself off the floor of the cubicle and quickly got washed before getting out of the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist.

"Ray" Neela called from the other side of the door.

"I'll be out in a minute" Ray called back.

"O.K, I'll wait in the bedroom for you" Neela replied before walking away from the door. After Abby had left all she had wanted to do was talk to Ray, see what he had to say about what had happened earlier that night.

Getting dressed into a pair of black sweats and a grey band t-shirt, as well as a hoodie to hide his arm, Ray threw his clothes and towels into the hamper, a habit he had been forced to pick up after Neela had started living with him, Ray opened the bathroom door and made his way to the bedroom.

Pushing the door open, Ray saw that Neela was sitting on the bed with his legs crossed at the ankles in front of her, a book in her lap. She wasn't really reading it, couldn't. She was too preoccupied listening to hear when Ray was coming.

"Hey" She said gently as he walked in and sat on the bed. She noted however that it was near the bottom at the other side of the bed to her.

Giving her a weak smile back, Ray ran his hand over the back of his neck before dropping his hand to his lap as he said quietly, his eyes looking at the duvet,

"So I take it Abby told you then?"

Nodding her head, a silence spread over the room, neither knowing what to say. After a few moments the silence was broken as Neela moved so that she was sitting on her knees and closer to Ray.

"I want you to talk to me Ray"

Shaking his head slightly, Ray turned his head away from her. Putting her hand on his face, Neela forced him to look at her as she said,

"Ray, you nearly got yourself killed…I just want you to let me in"

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Ray bowed his head, a tear falling from his eye as he did. Closing his eyes, Ray whispered,

"I'm sorry"

Fighting back her own tears, knowing that she had to be there for Ray, Neela put her hand on Ray's back as she said,

"You have nothing to be sorry for Ray…what you're father did-", but was cut off by Ray as he pulled his head up to look at her, tears still falling from his eyes as he shook his head and said, "No…" before pulling back the sleeve of his hoodie, closing his eyes so he didn't have to see her reaction.

Looking down at his arm, Neela moved her hand from his back, gently wrapping her fingers around his arm, trying to get a better look at the cut. It wasn't deep, so she wasn't worried that he had done any serious physical damage…but that wasn't really the damage she was worried about.

"Ray…why did you do this?" She asked, a tear falling down her own cheek.

Opening his eyes to look at her, Ray shrugged his shoulders slightly as he cried,

"I don't know…it helped…"

Turning his face away from hers, Ray repeated,

"I'm sorry"

Wrapping her arms around him and pulling him to her, Neela kissed him on the cheek before saying,

"Don't say your sorry Ray; it's not your fault"

Two hours later and Neela was lying in bed beside Ray, watching him as he slept. Reaching her hand out she ran her thumb gently over his cheek, hoping that soon everything would be better and they could get on with their lives, together.

* * *

**A/N – Well, I hope that you liked this chapter, and please let me know what you think! Good, bad, ugly?**

* * *


	15. Loosing Hold

**Sorry for not updating this in a while…I had written some and then scrapped it all because I wasn't really happy with how it was. But hopefully you'll like the chapter. It's getting close to the end of this story now…. so I want to thank everyone who has read/reviewed the story. I'm really grateful for you all sticking with it!**

**The lyrics at the beginning of this chapter are taken from "On My Own" by Three Days Grace**

_I walk alone  
Think of home  
Memories of long ago  
No one knows I lost my soul long ago_

**Chapter 15 – Losing Hold**

Turning over in bed, Ray opened his eyes slowly to see that Neela was still asleep, the look of anxiety and tension still visible on her face even now. He knew that it was his fault that she felt that way, and wished that he could think of some way to make everything alright for her. To make it better and take all of the stress and worries away. Pushing himself up slowly, Ray swung his legs over the edge of the bed, putting his head in his hands. _How could I have let it get this far…I'm hurting her and that's the one thing I never wanted to do_. Looking at the clock he saw that it was nearly time for Neela to get up for work…which meant that she would want to talk. She hadn't pushed him to last night, but he guessed that was over the shock of his revelation of how exactly he had been dealing with everything. But he knew by the tense look on her face that she wouldn't let him brush her off this time. And as much as he knew that it hurt her when he didn't let her in, he didn't feel ready to talk just yet.

"Ray" Neela's quiet voice broke through his thoughts, still laden with sleep. Pushing herself up on her elbows, Neela looked at Rays back, as he had not turned around to look at her yet, and added, "What's wrong?"

Shaking his head, Ray looked down at his feet as he replied,

"Nothing" He knew that she wouldn't believe him, but said it anyway.

Pushing herself up, Neela got up from the bed and walked around beside Ray, sitting next to him, but not touching. She hated feeling so nervous around him, afraid of saying or doing something…but after last night she didn't want to push him away when it was clear that he needed her now more than ever.

"Listen Ray, I just want you to know that I'm here for you O.K…if it's to listen or just to sit here. I love you and I want to you know that"

Turning his head to look at her, seeing the love and sincerity shining from her eyes, Ray leaned forward and kissed her lightly, pulling back slightly as he said in a whisper,

"I know you do…and I love you too", before standing up and adding, "I'll let you get ready for work", and leaving the room.

Surprised by his change of character, Neela gave Ray a slightly puzzled look before getting her clothes and heading to the shower, a glance at the clock telling her that she didn't have time to sit around and mull over everything or else she would be late. And she needed to speak to Kerry Weaver today.

XXXXX

Exiting their bedroom, dressed for work in a pink shirt and a pair of black trousers, Neela saw that Ray was sitting at the couch, a cup of coffee in his hands, staring off into space, obviously caught up in his thoughts. Walking over to him, Neela sat down beside him, seeing him jump slightly as she startled him. Putting her hand on his arm, seeing the cut on it, the reason behind it making it so much more ugly in her eyes, Neela looked at Ray as she asked in a soft voice,

"If you want I don't have to go to work"

Shaking his head Ray looked at her as he said,

"No, its fine…I just…need to think for a while, you know?"

Nodding her head, Neela leaned forward and kissed him goodbye before leaving for work. Ray watched as the door closed before sighing and leaning his head back against the couch.

Pushing himself up he decided that he would get a shower and then go out. A walk would do him good and help him clear his head. Maybe then he would be able to think through things better.

XXXXX

"Call me if he's condition gets any worse" Neela said to Chuny as she exited the exam room, pulling off her gloves and disposing them in the sterile bin. Just as she was about to walk over to the admit desk and get another chart when Kerry Weaver stopped, a small smile on the other woman's face as she asked,

"Can I speak to you a moment?"

Nodding her head, Neela followed Kerry down the hall and into an empty exam room. It was rarely used and so Kerry was certain that there would be no interruptions during their conversation. Closing the door behind her, Kerry turned and looked at Neela with a sympathetic smile as she asked,

"I take it you're aware that Luka came and spoke to me last night about what happened in regards to Ray at work yesterday?"

Nodding her head, Neela replied,

"Yes, Abby came over last night and told me what happened…I don't think Ray would have to be honest", a sad frown forming on her face.

Sitting down on the end of one of the gurneys, Neela doing the same, Kerry reached her hand out and set it on top of Neela's as she said with a compassionate smile,

"And that's why Luka and I think that maybe he needs more professional help…if he can't open up to his friends then maybe he will to someone else who isn't so close to everything"

Shaking her head, Neela looked at Kerry as she replied,

"He's been going to see the therapist…but even with that look what happened yesterday. I just don't know what to do to help him", tears beginning to fill her eyes in despair.

Pulling a tissue from her pocket and handing it to Neela, the other woman taking it with a small smile before dabbing her eyes, Kerry gave Neela's hand a reassuring squeeze as she said,

"I agree. This is why I, and Luka, think that maybe spending a few days in the Boland Medical centre would do him good, give him some time to clear his head and think everything through"

Shaking her head, Neela looked at Kerry in disbelief as she said,

"I couldn't do that to him…he doesn't need that, he just…if he would just talk to me I'm sure that he would get better, he just needs to get everything off his chest"

Putting her hand on Neela's shoulder, Kerry looked at her as she said softly,

"But he won't Neela; you know that…he can't talk to any of us about it. I've talked to Dr. Mills and he thinks that it's the best option right now for helping Ray"

Knowing that Kerry was right, that Ray did need some time to think about everything and clear his head, she slowly nodded her head as she looked at Kerry before asking,

"But how am I supposed to tell him this…he won't want to go. I've known Ray long enough to know that he'll be totally against this"

Kerry nodded her head, knowing that Neela was right. Ray Barnett was a head strong young man who could be stubborn when he wanted to, so he wasn't going to appreciate the fact that his friends were only trying to help him…she knew that with the way he was feeling at the moment he wasn't going to see it that way.

"I know. That's why Luka said that he would go over and talk to Ray first if you would like."

Nodding her head, knowing that she wouldn't be able to do it, that she would let Ray talk her out of it, Neela stood up from the gurney as she said to Kerry,

"I'd better go and see him then, he gets off soon"

XXXXX

After getting showered and changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Ray was quickly scribbling a note down to tell Neela that he had gone out for a walk and that he had his cell with him if she needed him. He had made the mistake of just leaving the apartment before and he had seen how much it had hurt Neela. He didn't want to hurt her again.

Just as he was about to go and grab his coat a knock at the door stopped him. Walking over and looking through the peep-hole he saw that it was Luka, confused as to what the older man was doing there. Opening the door he smiled as he said,

"Hey Luka, come in", stepping back to let him inside before closing the door behind him.

"Something wrong?" He asked, seeing the tense look on Luka's face. He knew that it wasn't anything to do with Neela as the hospital hadn't called, but that didn't stop the fear building up inside him. He had rarely seen Luka look so nervous before, the man before him usually so calm and collected.

"No, I just needed to talk to you about something" Luka replied, signaling for Ray to sit down.

Once they were both seated, Luka took a small breath before looking at Ray and saying softly,

"Abby told me what happened at work yesterday"

Running his hand over the nape of his neck, Ray looked down at his feet as he replied back,

"Should have seen this one coming", raising his head so that he was looking at Luka, he added, "I guess this is another "you need some more time off" speech, huh?", he didn't say it harshly, more expectant, as if he had known why Luka was here.

Shaking his head, Luka replied,

"Not exactly"

Confusion evident on his face, Ray looked at Luka as he questioned,

"What do you mean?"

"We're you're friends Ray and we care about you and just want to help you-", but before he had finished Ray stood up from his seat, brow furrowed as he said,

"I get it already, you all care…what's that got to do with anything?"

Standing up himself, Luka walked over to Ray, sensing that everything was just going to get a lot worse when he told him about staying at the Boland Medical Centre.

"We can see that you clearly aren't dealing with this and we want to help you"

Shaking his head, Ray let out a bitter laugh as he said,

"I _am _dealing with it" Ray replied back, his confusion slowly turning to anger. _Why can't they just let me deal with it in my own way?_

"Walking out in front of cars and cutting yourself isn't what most people would define as "dealing with it" Ray" Luka replied, seeing the look on Ray's face, like he had just been slapped. Luka had saw the cut on his arm when he first got there, Ray not wearing a jacket to cover it up as he had not expected anyone to come over.

"We think that you should spend a few days at the Boland Medical centre, clear you're head" Luka added, his voice soft as he looked at Ray.

Taking in what Luka had just said, Ray looked up at him as he said in disbelief,

"You want to lock me up like some sort of psyche patient?", but before Luka even had the chance to retaliate, to say that wasn't what they meant or thought of him, Ray had turned and began to leave, Luka grabbing him by the arm.

"That's not what we think Ray"

Trying to pull his arm free from Luka's grasp, the other man considerably stronger than he was, Ray looked at him as he said,

"Let go"

Shaking his head, determined to stand his ground, Luka stared Ray straight in the eyes as he said,

"No. I'm not letting you walk off this time. You think that you can deal with it on your own but you can't. You have friends who want to help you so why won't you let us?"

Still trying to tug his arm free, Ray looked up at Luka as he replied,

"Because it's my problem and I'll deal with it…none of you did anything to have to be saddled with it, so why should you?" Giving his arm a pull, still to no avail, Ray looked at Luka as he ground out, "Will you let me the hell go?"

Shaking his head, Luka looked at Ray as he said softly,

"You think that you done something wrong and that's why your father raped you and beat the crap out of you for so long…you think that you did something some bad to deserve that?" Luka felt his own heart break for his friend as he watched Ray turning his head away from him and squeeze his eyes shut, trying to fight the tears that were trying to break through.

"Please…will you let go?" Ray almost pleaded; his voice cracking.

Releasing his hold on Ray's arm, Luka half expected him to turn and leave the apartment, ready to go after him if he did. He was more shocked when Ray just slid down the wall, burying his face in his hands. Kneeling down in front of him, Luka put his hand on his shoulder, softly saying,

"It'll be O.K Ray", before pulling him into a hug, letting his friend cry into his shoulder, months of anguish and pain slowly pouring out of him.

**AN – I hope that you enjoyed the chapter and please let me know what you think; I always love to hear your thoughts and feedback. **


	16. Barely Breathing

**I'm guessing that an apology isn't enough to make it up to all of you who are still watching, so I want to also thank you so much if you are. I was so busy with college over the past few months that whenever I did get a free weekend to actually write something my muse just wasn't around. But now I am free and off for summer, so I think that's helped and so I give you this chapter, getting close to the end now, of "Bend and Not Break". I really hope that you enjoy it, and as always, please review and let me know what you think as I always love to hear your thoughts and opinions.**

Chapter 16 – Barely Breathing

_The broken clock is a comfort  
It helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow  
From stealing all my time  
And I am here still waiting  
Though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best  
Like you've already figured out_

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_  
_With a broken heart, That's still beating_  
_In the pain, There is healing_  
_In your name, I find meaning_  
_So I'm holding on_  
_I'm barely holding on to you_

He was broken. Completely and utterly broken and he knew that he couldn't live like this anymore. He had been trying for weeks to just act as if everything was normal, going through the motions he guessed, putting on an act, although it hadn't been a particularity good one. Everyone who knew what had happened could see through him like a pane of glass, everything on show as much and as hard as he had tried to stop it. Even though he had been hiding it for a good part of his life, pretending like he didn't have such a dark secret, the act was gone. He couldn't take it anymore, the realization of that finally sinking in as salty tears slipped under closed eyes and unchecked down his cheeks.

If he hadn't been so mentally and physically exhausted he would have moved off the floor, but he was and he couldn't. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that Neela was going to be home soon, that what Luka had said was probably going to happen and he was going to have to go to Boland Medical Centre for as long as they decided. He knew what he said didn't matter anymore. He hadn't exactly given anyone of them reason to trust him over the past few days anyway. His knees were pulled up to his chest, Ray seemingly trying to make himself as small as possible, his head resting on his knees and his arms wrapped tightly around his shins. Luka was sitting beside him, his long legs pulled up slightly towards himself, although not nearly as much as Ray's, as he looked over at the younger man, his friend, and felt nothing but sympathy and compassion for him. He had known that when he came over to talk to Ray things wouldn't go smoothly; he had been expecting a fight. But that didn't mean that it made it any easier for him to have to sit there and know that it was just going to get worse for Ray.

Glancing to the clock on the wall he knew that Neela would be home soon, and as much as he knew that she would want to comfort Ray and be there for him, another part of him knew that it wasn't fair to make her have to pick up the pieces every time. He knew Ray was reluctant to accept help at the best of times, and even though he and Abby were also his friends Ray hadn't exactly been forthcoming in showing how he really felt over the whole thing to either of them. Luka knew that he had talked to Neela a bit on some occasions, but it was obvious he was keeping more from them all than he was sharing.

But Luka didn't blame him for that. He couldn't begin to say that he understood how Ray felt or what he was going through. He didn't dare imagine what he must have been feeling the past few ten years of his live let alone the past few weeks. But he was going to make sure that Ray knew they were all there for him.

Reaching his hand out he lifted it just over Ray's shoulders, his hand holding steady just mere millimetres above before finally he softly placed his hand down, shocked when he didn't feel Ray tense up or jerk away from him as he leaned forward slightly and said in a soft voice,

"Ray?" Luka wasn't really sure what to say, this being one of the few times in his life were he didn't know the appropriate words that would make the situation better. He just needed to know that Ray was going to be alright, well, he knew that he wouldn't be _alright. _A few moments passed, although they seemed like minutes, the second hand on the wall clock resounded around the otherwise quiet apartment as Luka waited for a response.

When he had felt the warmth of Luka's hand as he had gently placed it on his back, Ray squeezed his eyes shut tighter, trying to convince himself that he didn't deserve to have friends that cared so much about him when he had been a complete ass to them the past few weeks. The internal battle within his mind of wanting to reach out and accept their help but also thinking that he didn't deserve it was driving him mad, Ray just willing that it would go away. He turned his head slowly when he heard the sound of Luka speaking, the sound of his voice as soft as the pressure of his hand on his back.

If he hadn't felt like a broken toy before he did now.

He didn't speak, but Luka didn't even need to hear him say anything. He could tell from the look on his face and in his eyes everything that he was feeling. The exhaustion was visible by the dark rings under now red rimmed eyes, the pallor of his skin much more evident to Luka now than it had even been before. As he looked at Ray now the first thought that ran through his head was how he looked younger than his twenty eight years, and that thought just making the situation so much worse.

"Do you want to talk?"

He considered it for a moment, no more than a few seconds ticking by on the clock before he looked at Luka and simply shook his head once, slowly. Luka looked at him with sympathetic eyes; a look Ray had grown more than accustomed to from the other man, as he added,

"Are you sure?" He didn't want to push it, but he knew that Ray needed to talk to someone, anyone, and if it was him then he would be more than glad to listen, to help in any way that he could. He watched as Ray pushed himself up so his back was now against the wall, his legs still pulled close to him, as he looked down and replied with a soft shrug,

"You actually think talking about it's going to help now?" his voice horse and broken as he spoke. His words were void of any emotion other than defeat, and so Luka knew that he wasn't trying to fight with him.

"It might", Luka replied as he looked at him, not wanting to push him into talking but not trying to discourage him either by not saying anything. It was the first thing Ray had said in nearly thirty minutes since he had broke down, the only words broken up between sobs as Ray blamed himself, clinging onto his Luka as if he had been his lifeline and he was afraid if he let go he would be lost forever.

"I hate him for it...for all of it" Ray surprising Luka by not shrugging it off like he had so many times before, although the emotion wasn't evident on the other man's face as he listened intently. Biting his lip he paused for a moment before continuing, "That day in the hospital when I heard what had happened to him I was actually glad...but it didn't make a difference, did it?" he asked, looking at Luka with tear filled eyes once more. He had honestly thought that once his father was gone from his life that he would have the weight of everything that had happened lifted from his shoulders and he would feel a sense of freedom. But it hadn't. His life had seemed like one giant downward spiral and nothing he did seemed to make it stop. He opened his mouth to speak once more, Luka thinking he was going to tell him more about how he had been feeling the last few weeks, but instead dropped his head a bit, he added, "I don't know..."

They sat there for a few more moments in silence, Luka not sure what to say and Ray fearing he had said too much. He didn't know what had prompted him to actually open up to someone, knowing that it hadn't simply been Luka's asking. Neela had asked him on countless occasions and he hadn't even felt like he could then. Maybe it was down to the fact that he was just so tired of fighting everyone, convincing them he was fine when deep down he knew that he was far from it.

"Whatever you're feeling at the minute Ray, we only want to help you...you know that right?" Luka asked, finally breaking the silence. He didn't ask in a patronizing or a chastising tone, but genuine concern. He wanted Ray to understand that they really did want to help him.

Nodding his head slowly, Ray didn't even look up as he replied quietly, barely above a whisper, "I know", before turning his head towards Luka and continuing in a slightly louder voice, "And I'm sorry for being such an ass to you guys when all-" , being cut off by Luka as he shook his head sharply and looked at him intensely as he said in a stern, yet somehow gentle voice, "Nobody blames you for how you're acting Ray...so you don't have no apologize"

He had heard Ray apologizing and blaming himself for so many things that weren't his fault or that were out of his control. Luka guessed that he had been doing it for so many years now it had became almost like a second nature to him, the thought saddening him somewhat.

Pushing himself from the floor, the position starting to cause his back to ache, Luka held his hand out to Ray and helped the younger man up as he said with a soft smile, "If I'm going to wait until Neela comes home I would prefer to be sitting on the couch"

He wasn't going to leave Ray alone, not after everything that had just happened and what he had just shared with him. He would stay until Neela returned and then leave the two of them to talk. He was certain that Neela would want to have some time alone with Ray when she got home and he would be more than happy to oblige. Luka knew that Neela loved Ray and only wanted what was best for him, so the fact that she thought that he should spend a few days at the Boland Medical Centre just solidified that it was what was best for Ray. Ray followed Luka over to the couch and sat down, not even arguing or telling Luka that he could leave, already knowing that his answer would just be that he wasn't. And to be honest he actually wanted someone there. True, the one person that he really wanted was Neela, but Luka and Abby were his good friends and he needed them as much as he needed Neela right now. He just didn't realize it until then.

Glancing at the clock Ray saw that Neela was going to be home any minute, and he knew that meant that they were going to have to sit down and have a serious talk about _everything._ Running his hand over the back of his neck Ray could feel his own pulse beginning to quicken, a light sweat breaking out over the palms of his hands and forehead. It was just like when he had been in the trauma room a few days ago, everything feeling too much. Dropping his hand he pushed himself off the chair and said to Luka, "I've just got to – I'll be right back", Luka pulling his attention away from the television screen, his brow furrowed in confusion as he watched Ray quickly walk over to the bathroom, the door slamming shut behind him in his haste. He could see the pallor of Ray's skin and knew that something wasn't right, pushing himself from the couch and beginning to make his way over to the bathroom door before hearing the sound of the key turning in the lock.

Inside the bathroom Ray's hands were gripping onto the edge of the porcelain sink, his knuckles white from the pressure as he gasp in greedy breathes to try and calm himself down, only causing himself to grow dizzy as he gulped in too much air. Squeezing his eyes shut he mentally chastised himself, "Come on, come on!" as he pushing himself away from the sink as he began to pace back and forth, the sports socks on his feet padding any noise, his hands behind his head, fingers locked together tightly as he tried once more to steady his own breathing. He could feel the beads of sweat that were covering his back, forehead and hands, wishing that he could just run and hide away from it all. But he couldn't. Luka was right out there and as soon as he opened the door he knew that the other man would only be there with more questions. Falling back against the wall, he let himself slide down it, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his head. His hands began to shake as his breathes began to come out as low sobs instead, Ray pulling his legs even tighter to himself as he realized how scared he was.

Dropping his arms so that they were now wrapped around his shins, Ray looked over at the door, his green eyes filled with so many emotions that it would be impossible to pin-point exactly what he was feeling at the moment, his gaze strong almost as if he was trying to see through to the other side, to see if Luka really was there waiting. Pushing himself off the floor, he wiped his hands over his eyes, before walking over to the door. Looking down at the brass handle, the globe reflecting the image of a damaged and broken man back, he wrapped his hand around it and turned, pulling the door open. Of course what he had been expecting to see on the other side of the door was far from the scene that was in front of him. Luka was gone and in his place was a concerned looking Neela, her brown eyes locking into his green ones. As the door closed behind him, the sound of the soft click of the lock as it fell back into place seeming multiplied through the silence in the apartment, Ray bit his lip as he glanced down, unsure of what to do. He knew what he _wanted _to do, he wanted to get out of the apartment and away from everything, his heart still thumping against his chest faster than it should as his brain ran over the millions of different scenarios that could happen if he did agree to go to the Boland Medical Centre.

Standing from the chair, Neela walked over to Ray, seeing the mixed emotions in his eyes as he glanced up at her abruptly, his expression blank but his eyes telling so much more than words ever could. Slipping her hand into his, she looked up at him as she said in a soft voice, "We need to talk", Ray pressing his forehead gently against hers, his eyes slipping closed as he replied in a whisper, "I know"

It was a few hours later and they were both sitting in the bedroom; Ray with his head in Neela's lap, one of her hands running through his hair the other rubbing small circles on his back. She had known that when it came down to them discussing Ray going to stay at the Boland Medical Centre that it wasn't going to be easy, far from it, but it broke her heart to think that she had caused him any pain. But deep down she knew what she was doing was the right thing, that she just wanted him to get help and get better. When she had told him that she thought it was a good idea, that she was agreeing with Luka, Abby and Weaver that it was the best thing for him, Ray had begged and pleaded with her to convince them otherwise, saying that he was fine and would be O.K. on his own. When she hadn't given in, something which had surprised even Neela herself, he had broken down in her arms. And that was how they how come to be in the position they were now.

"I'll call Roger in the morning and let him know what's happening" She had already discussed it with him and he had known that they were going to do their best to get Ray to agree to come in on his own. If he hadn't Neela was afraid what he might have done. When she didn't get a response from Ray, she then added, "Ray, we're only doing this because we love you", wanting him to realize that.

"I know", he replied, his voice horse with tears before he turned slight, causing her hand to move so it was resting against his stomach as he added, "I love you too and I'm sorry for all the crap I put you through over the past few weeks", Neela furrowing her brow as she reached her hand up and cupped his cheek, her eyes intense as she looked at him and said, "Ray, I would do anything for you", wanting him to know that he hadn't been a burden and she didn't regret anything at all.

Seeing the tired look in his eyes, his exhaustion evident, Neela looked at him as she said, "You should get some rest", Ray nodding his head. He could have went to sleep right there. The two of them moved so they were now under the covers, the warmth enveloping them both. Just as Ray was about to put his head onto the pillow, Neela pulled him to her, his head resting on her chest as she resumed her action of running her fingers through his hair. She needed this as much as he did right now, and so they both fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms.

**Well, I hope that you enjoyed that angst filled chapter, and please review and let me know what you think. **


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